And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going

I think I'm an insomniac. I can't sleep. Even when I stay up until four, I never get a good nights rest. Also, I'm fairly certain my dreams are trying to tell me something.

I keep having the dream where my teeth fall out. It's weird because its been constant for the last couple of weeks. Every single night I dream that for some reason my teeth are falling out. So, like a real human being I decided to consult Google. So, Google tells me that this dream can mean subconsious issues in an number of areas but most likely my dreams are telling me that I feel powerless. The teeth, you see, are a symbol of power in many cultures because they are the instruments by which animals get food, fight off attackers, etc. Since my teeth are falling out, it symbolizes a sense of powerlessness. Apparently, I am frustrated by a lack of authority or worth. Which is ridiculous because I'm a confident individual. Most of the time I am assert myself as the person in power of a situation because, as I've been told, I have a very dominant personality.

This, of course, lead me to the obvious conclusion that I should take a personality profile on the internet. Apparently I have a "Conscientous" personality. Which means I'm hard working, with strong opinions and beliefs, who believes in the proper order of things and that everything must be done correctly. I'm organized and very detailed. I have a practical, no-nonsense view of the world and very rarely let my emotions show. However, despite the fact that my emotions are hard to read, I'm an incredibly emotional person on the inside but don't like people to know that fact. I am careful and cautious in many aspects of my life including both socially and romantically. I also don't like to throw anything away. Or so this so-called "personality test" says. Personally, I don't think these things are very accurate.

In other news, I think watching so much Bones is making me want to become an anthropologist. Not that I hadn't thought about the idea more than once of course. The idea of studying humans in various cultures and times fascinates me. I just don't think its very practical. Although, that travelling would be fantastic. But alas, no decisions for me until the new year.

Speaking of which, I need to find a nice man to take advantage of on New Years Eve. If anyone knows any takers, I'm open to suggestions. I refuse to ring in 2010 like I did 2009. I'm going to have a nice evening. And I'm going to get my mack on. Holy shit, I sound like a rapist. Which brings me to a very important lesson, kids. Do not drink things out of stranger's flasks. It isn't a good plan.

"You pay a great deal too dear for what's given freely". - The Winter's Tale (Act I, Scene I).

(Note: "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" covered by Glee cast)

Bad Romance

I'm ready for the new year. No, seriously, ridiculously READY for the new year. It's not that I'm over 2009, it was awesome fo sho. I just need 2010 to exist. My horoscope told me that I can 't make any decisions AT ALL until the new year. Which is very very frustrating. I'm the kind of person that likes to make decisions as problems arise and then deal with the consequences at a later date. But, the good old horoscope says no and who the hell am I to argue with fate? Apparently, if I do decide anything, the end result like "complete and utter destruction" or something and that doesn't sound like fun with glow sticks to me.

''You sunk my battleship, Rod. And you sunk it hard.'' -Sue Sylvester

I just really wish I could shut off my mind sometimes. Its uncontrollable here recently. Like, seriously, shut the hell up, Bekah. Do not go there. There is not happy. There is very, very ugly. Uh uh.

“You know what they say. Maybe I’m just drawn that way.” -Beautiful Creatures

I just read this book, Beautiful Creatures, and it is fantastic. Totally recommend for a little fun, light reading. Also, Warner Brothers has already optioned the rights so you can expect an adorable flick in a few years with some hip, unknown but really hot actors probably that will eventually dominate our tabloids and media outlets.

Speaking of wonderful books turned movie franchises, I don't think I could be more excited about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One than I am right at this moment. Holy smokes. What an excellent story. Except for the obvious flaws and misunderstandings. Obviously, I'll just continue to block those out.

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?" -Albus Dumbledore

Oh, also, Legend of the Seeker is AWESOME. Better than Battlestar Galactica, even. And I love me some BSG. I cannot wait for Santa to bring me the books. It shall be a wonderful Christmas. Really though, it is so good. Forbidden love, destiny, swords, sexy people. I just can't wait until the next episode.

"People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it might be true. People's heads are full of knowledge, facts, and beliefs, and most of it is false, yet they think it true. People are stupid; they can only rarely tell the difference between a lie and the truth, and yet they are confident they can, and so are all the easier to fool." -Legend of the Seeker

Books I will read over the holiday: The Lovely Bones, Everything That Rises Must Converge, The Stand (maybe), Atonement (maybe)....Ugh. I can never ever seem to make it through those two. I always start, get a couple pages in and give up. It's an unconcious thing, I guess. Kind of like the time I tried to finally read Anna Karenina. Whatever.

Mostly, though, I'm gonna write like a beast in my journal. I seriously neglected the poor darling over the summer.

I want your love and I want your revenge. What is GaGa trying to say?

(Note: "Bad Romance", Lady GaGa)

Uprising

It's been a while since I posted a blog. It feels like too long. But lets be honest, between college and watching re-runs of my favorite shows, I'm swamped. Just totally busy. Not one free moment of my day. Speaking of, I recently rewatched the magical show that is LOST and also managed to get the most wonderful roomate in all the land to start watching. There's just something about another person experiencing something you love that's just awesome. I love it when people actually enjoy the wierd things I'm obsessed with. Callie also watched V for Vendetta! Which was really exciting because this time she actually attempted to watch it, and just like that she like it this time. I'm about to rev up that warm classic today seeing as how it just so happens to be Guy Fawkes Day. Which means it is time for my annual viewing of V for Vendetta. Yes.

In other, probably more important news, I woke up at 3:00am this morning to register for spring and summer classes. Let me tell you: it was unpleasant. Most of the classes I wanted to take are either unavailable or in an unacceptable timeslot like 8 in the morning or 6 at night. No thanks. Anyways, at present I'm signed up for only 12 hours and then 4 hours over the summer. Is that enough? I mean, I've got a pretty baller schedule with that, no classes on Friday, no early classes. I think I'm doing pretty good. And I'm still gonna do Chemistry Hell 101 over the summer even though I'm not sure about this whole nursing thing. Is it wishful thinking to want to be in the FBI or CIA? That would be BALLER. I'd get to carry a gun and a badge and whoop ass. Sounds much more interesting than taking blood and emptying pee bags. Just sayin.

Also, to anyone who doesn't already know (I'm guessing the majority of people that read this blog) , Battlestar Galactica is my new obsession. It is so good, guys. I know I've said it a billion times by now, but seriously. Check that shit out. The plot is centered around 12 colonies/planets named after the 12 signs of the zodiac (Caprica, Sagitarrion, Tauron, etc.) About 40 years ago, humans created machines called Cylons that, of course, eventually rebelled and left. They evolved and some now look like humans and they are supremely pissed off at the humans. So, they set about destroying all 12 colonies and only about 50,000 peeps survive and live on spaceships protected by the only military vessel left: the Battlestar Galactica. The human race keeps escaping the Cylons but the Cylons have a plan obviously and they're smarter because, hello, they're machines (or are they?). Theres a ton of awesome characters, love triangles, plot twists, betrayal, etc. and its all in space. Plus they say "frak" instead of the other "f" word which makes them very cool. Oh, and most of the people on the show are hot. Delicously hot. Seriously.

Anyways, at present my life consists of avoiding homework, trying not to fail Environmental Bio, watching BSG, and being depressed that the Yankees won the World Series for the 27th time. I mean they would since they can pay their players much more than any other team but whatever. Frak them. I'm going home tomorrow after I get through 3 tests and I'm gonna go to the Homecoming game, maybe go to MOG, eat some Inoko, probably piss off my mom at my outrageous Blockbuster rentals, and get a little R & R before next week. Cheers.

(Note: Cast of Battlestar Galactica in photo resembling the Last Supper. Can you say genius? Song "Uprising" by Muse because it reminds of me of BSG.)

Chew Me Up and Spit Me Out

College sucks. Don't ever go to college if you can help it. No seriously. People say this is supposed to be like the best time of our lives and shit but really, it sure as hell is not.

For one thing, I've got a shit ton of things to do all day everyday. Sure, I don't have to wake up at 7:00am anymore but I'm not done for the day by 3 either. Classes are actually hard- like seriously difficult. Not so much the material as the actual studying that has to go down. I pretty much study and make notecards all the freaking time. Then, there's the little tiny fact that professors only grade you like, once in a blue moon so you only have like 4 or 5 grades in a class. Which means, of course, that if you fuck up you pretty much stay fucked for a good long while. On top of that, I've got to pick some god forsaken major so that maybe I'll make money in the distant future. The only problem is, they don't offer majors in watching Star Wars. And obviously the only major worth anything to my mother is nursing. Which might be okay, it just seems a little too Meredith Grey, ya know? What the hell, I may as well stop resisting my destiny. Apparently I'm just like Mer in every aspect.

Not to mention the fact that I have to worry about credit hours, and can I drop this class? , and what will make me happy?, and money. God, I have to worry about money. Apparently, I'm putting too much money on The Card. So, now I'm gonna like walk errwhere. Seriously? Plus, I need to start working out hardcore for two reasons: 1) I hear it relieves stress, and 2) I don't want to be fat. I don't have softball anymore everyday of my life so I'm not in shape. That's another thing, intramural sports are a joke. I wish I was on a real fucking team with a real fucking coach making us do agilities all the time and sweating it out. God, I miss it. And the sad thing is, I'll never ever get it back. The only thing that slightly compares is watching sports on the TV. But, that only leads to more stress in my life because the Sox fucking lost to the goddamn piece of shit Yankees TWICE this past weekend.

So, at this juncture, I need to figure out who the hell my advisor is because apparently I need to be advised. I need to change my major to nursing and pretend like I enjoy ass loads of science (no math though!). And, I need to start saving money. Because, apparently I will never ever have money again because I'm going to be paying The Man the rest of my life because I just HAD to go and get a college education. Whatever happened to subsistence farming? I will gladly trade if I can keep cable. And internet. And the iPhone.

In closing, I give you these little words: nothing takes the past away like the future. Yes, that is the title of an episode of Wildfire. No, I don't give a shit.

(Note: "Chew Me Up and Spit Me Out" by Cobra Starship, featured on the Jennifer's Body soundtrack. If you haven't seen that movie, you lack a certain...je ne seis quoi (that's French for "I know not what" and I didn't learn that shit in college). If you have time to read this blog, you have time to go see this wonderful film.)

I'll Be There

They say home is where the heart is, and I guess that's pretty accurate. There's nothing I love more than getting back home and finding everyone happy to see me. Everything isn't always the way I left it (for example, the house next door to mine has sod now) and the new high school always looks a tad closer to being done, but it's still the same for me. I love college, don't get me wrong and I enjoy being here but, at home, palmetto bugs don't crawl into bed with me while I'm sleeping and I don't have to do my own laundry. That being said, I'm about an hour away from take-off and I'm in a really good mood so I decided to blog about it.

I'm excited about this weekend. I plan on having a good time and maybe getting my party on at some point. I miss my friends. I want to hang out with all of them without causing a nuclear war. I also want to see some of those hoes that are still kicking it at the CHS. Commerce vs. Jefferson tonight will really bring back some memories. My sister is wearing my old football jersey to the game tonight. Sometimes, I ferociously miss high school and how easy everything was. At the time, it didn't seem easy or necessarily awesome but looking back, it was simple. Sure, we had drama (I myself am apparently a huge fan of drama) but in the end everything was aight. Going back home, sometimes I'm just hit by all of the things we all did together.

Like the time me, Callie, Anna-Marie, and Andrea played at Spencer Park in the middle of the night. Or the time we painted the bridge and me and Cal pissed on that bitch. Or the time the softball team finally beat Jefferson 1-0. Or the time Jessie called Callie's stuffed dog Benijah and played with her all the way home. The time me and Rachael decided to drive all the way to Helen just to get those rings and maybe a funnel cake. The first time we all got drunk at Anna-Marie's. The time me and Callie almost got arrested for hanging out at Tanger waiting on Andrea to get off work. The time I peed myself at the Jefferson game after we all got into a bitch fight with a crazy senorita. The time we rode in the Angie's stang and Jamie gave me and Courney lap dances. The time Hamp and I stole lots of liquor from a person's house. "I LOVE THE BEEAACHH!!!" The time we rolled Alex Pace's house and had to hide in the ditch as cars drove by. The time we saw Britney Spears in concert. The many times we went to eat Inoko Express. The picture days, the field trips, prom, homecoming, gradutation, birthdays, breakups, makeups, everything.

I remember all of these times and I realize how much I love everyone and how much of a freaking softy I am. And thats when I know, that even if we don't talk for a month or two, when Anna-Marie's next man breaks her heart or when Colton wants an honest opinion about the next girl he likes, or when Andrew gets into trouble with everyone again, or when CBill beats the hell out of a mascot in Columbus, or J. Dove and C. Med need to get crazy, or when Callie needs me to push her into something she knows she wants to do, or when the softball team needs somebody to get on their ass, or when CJ needs me to tell her the Gods honest truth, I'll be there.

(Note: "I'll Be There" by the Jackson Five)

Have A Little Faith In Me

Forgive me Blog, for I have sinned. It has been entirely too long since my last post. Please forgive me. I've been busy with this whole college thing. I know its no excuse because I had plenty of time to add 45 songs to my iTunes and to watch Season 1 of Gossip Girl, but I digress. I have 5 major topics I want to discuss and I need to get on that.

1. The Iroquois Indians.

I've decided that I want to live with these (now extinct thanks to...oh yeah us) peeps. They treated women with incredibly high regard seeing as how everything was passed down through a matrilineal system and the women were the "neck of the family" whereas the man was the head. Get it? Haha. Plus, they didn't believe in private property; everyone shared everyone else's profits. The Iroquois Confederation was actually an awesome little government before the Europeans came along and stomped those homies in the ground with a little smallpox, syphilis, and a little thing I like to call genocide, but again, I digress.

2. Electronic Waste

I'm pretty pissed off about this E-waste issue. For those of you who don't know, lots of major countries send all of their used PCs, DVD players, TVs, and other electronics out of their country and into countries like Ghana, China, Japan, etc. You know the things you think you're recycling? Like ink cartridges? Yeah, little cute black babies use those things for teething toys. It does wonders for their health. Plus, adolescents living in China melt computer circuit boards down for the little tiny specks of gold so maybe they can buy something to wear to school, while unknowingly poisoning themselves with lead. It's all very lovely. As per usual, the so-called "world powers" do nothing. P.S., I found out my ecological footprint is 5.8. I'm sure it's not good but it ain't as bad as the United States whopping 9.6.

3. College

I love college. Yeah. I love drinking. Yeah. I love Callie. Yeah. Man, I love college. But seriously, this shit is boss. Why didn't I come here earlier? People actually want to learn things here. I don't really like a whole ton of people but I've never been a people person. I've got Callie, and T Sims, and Tay Jones, and a bunch of other peeps I used to know. So that's good. Plus, Bailey and her whole clan are like, right down the road. My room is awesome but no, I will not upload pictures on Facebook. Me and Callie cook and T Sims comes over all the time. It's pretty sweet. We go home when we feel like and avoid the flu of swine on a daily basis, like a boss.

4. Home

Me, Callie, and Taylor have gone home once already and are planning another trip this weekend. We all carpool the entire 4 hours it takes to get home and along the way we learn a lot about it each other, but even more about ourselves. Ha. Seriously, I think driving back and forth might be the most fun ever. I enjoy driving and listening to music and flirting with Taylor though so why wouldn't it be fun? I got to see lots of people this past weekend that I love sooooooo much. Had a little too much fun in downtown Athens. And once again, I've gotta say, those people who say its impossible to stay in touch with your high school friends in college, are full of shit. Like they say "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they're yours forever." Well, I know a lot of people who've come back and btw, I love you too.

5. Remember the Titans.

If there is a person alive on this earth who hasn't seen this movie, then shame on you. It's a majestic film that teaches us all a very valuable lesson: people are capable of extraordinary things. Whether it be changing what you've always believed or letting a teammate play for you because you know he's better, this movie shows the goodness of the human spirit. You can see it in the way they bridged the color gap and became more than a football team. It's a movie about love, and friendship, and teamwork, and family, and change. It's a movie that never fails to give me hope when I'm feeling down. In the words of Coach Yoast: "You make them remember....forever...the night they played the Titans!" I'm pretty sure anyone who sees it will remember.

In conclusion, I leave you with my quote of the week:

"It would be childish of us to deny that our lives weren't changing. But for this night, none of us were going anywhere. That's the thing about really good friends." -Carrie, Sex And The City

(Note: "Have A Little Faith In Me" by Joe Cocker)

The Climb

It's all about the climb. The climb up Miley Cyrus's stripper pole.

For everyone who didn't enjoy tonight's annual Teen Choice Awards, Imma hit you up with a recap. Pretty much, the Jo Bros (or as I like to say Sweetie Pie, Man Whore, and the Other One) were the hosts. I've seen better hosts in my day. They performed two times too many and flaunted the fact that everyone 16 and under really really really just want to touch them. I really do like the little one. He's probably the most respectable out of the lot. He's got the diabetus and he donates lots of money to fund research for a cure, which is awesome. Joe can suck it though. I got my girl T. Swizzle's back bitch. I really have no thoughts on the one who's getting married.

Let's see...Selena Gomez won something! Which made me smile because I enjoy everything she's in. And she has class. Unlike some people who shall remain nameless....Miley Cyrus! Chuck Bass was smokin' hot as per usual except he used his real voice which upped his sexiness if you ask me. Jacob Black is possibly the most delicious morsel on this earth. You go Selena. Get you some. Dane Cook was there. He made fun of Vanessa Hudgens. Zac Efron is good looking and won some awards. The Black Eyed Peas tore that shit up! Sean Kingston...not so much. He's really unattractive and he wasn't singing half the time.

Twilight won everything. Something like 1000000000 awards or something. To NO ONE'S surprise. I liked that movie, saw it a million times, but the book is MUCHMUCHMUCH better. (I'll take this time to politely ask America's teens to pick up a book. Thank you.) And, I have once and for all decided that Tay Lautner is sexier than R. Patz. That's right, I said it.

During the commercials, I decided that Glee might become the best show ever. I must see The Time Traveler's wife even though I will most likely cry a lot. Fringe is gonna be awesome this year. And, the new burgers at McDonald's creep me out.

This brings me to...Miley. Let me just say this just one time, that was uncalled for. It really was. You are like 16 homefry. When Britney was 16, she had class. (B. Spears totally dissed you btw even if you did use her name in that song) At first I thought I might like you, Miley. Then, I decided the snaggle tooth was too much. Then, I watched your Youtube channel and really thought that was too much. Then, I saw your video for The Climb and knew it was enough. You are Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana. You sing, you (attempt to) dance, you (attempt to) act in movies and TV, and apparently you have your own clothing line at the Wal. I am almost positive that MK and Ash are disappointed. Kid moguls today. And did you see that totally inappropriate plunging neckline? Hello? And hot pants? You are not Beyonce, home girl. And Disney stars don't get nose rings.

In my day, our teen superstars had a bit of class and apparently knew a good orthodontist. This definately ain't a Nashville party, sugah.

(Note: "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus, who I am now reffering to as The Hot Mess.)

It's Alright, It's Okay

I've decided that perhaps it is not best for me to be around mens whilst intoxicated. It is also not a good idea for me to blindly drink the little shooters that people keep handing me. This often leads to me not remembering completely the evening before and therefore having to recollect memories that most of the time aren't good ones. I don't know why I got so drunk, only that I did. And apparently, I'm not complaining. I mean, what's a little kissing between friends right? Everyone's been there at least once. But currently, I just feel gross in regards to recent happenings. I mean seriously, Bekah? Really? Did that seem like the best idea? No. It did not.

In other news, Imma need to pack my shit today and all this coming up week. Not the happiest way to spend your day. I'm terribly excited about moving out but at the same time, I'm kinda sad. I mean, I've only lived in my Mom's house for 4 years and my Dad's for 2ish. My room at my Dad's was always meant for Ryan after I move out but I'm kinda sad to see it go. My room at my Mom's is being turned into Rachael's new abode and her room will no doubt be a storage room for the shit I'm not taking with me....or a work out room. How cliche. So, I will not have a room of my own at either of my parental's houses. WTF? I mean, what am I supposed to do? This thing I've got going on is really starting to seem permanent and actually happening. I don't know if I like it. I really freaking don't know.

How am I going to decide which books to bring? I have too many. And what about my map of the world? I love my map of the world. I have to bring it. I'll make room. I need to get more picture frames. I'm going to miss everyone. What am I going to do without them? Why can't they come with? Why do we all have to go off to other places? I don't know how to function without my brother and sister. We're a unit. Three Rs. Bekah, Rachael, and Ryan. Me and Callie aren't going to be able to live without our homies. We're going to force people to come visit us and be driving all over the world to Athens for those bitches, to Columbus for some cheerleading, to the mountains for some softball. I'm not going to be at Tigers on the Town this year. I'm gonna have to work really hard to be home for everyone's Senior Night. I'm going to stretch myself so thin, I already see it.

I am totally ready for this, and I'm totally unprepared. I should have just gone to G State or something and lived at 133 Nora Court with my homie. We could have been roomates and I could have been everywhere. Of course, I've never been a fan of J Town. And I love Georgia Southern. And I have to be a good roomate to Callie or she'll bitch me out.

I just want to watch some Grey's and listen to some jams to get my mind off all this shizz. But alas, I'm going to go search for some cardboard boxes and picture frames.

"You know as well as I do it's not about what you look like, or your job, or how successful you are. It's about having people in your life that you love and who love you... that's all that matters." -Miranda Bailey

(Grey's Anatomy, Season 3, Episode 4)

(Note: Ashley Tisdale, "It's Alright, It's Okay" get some of that bizness.)

What Goes Around

I don't even think I could justify the awesomeness of this with words. I love T. Swizzle. She might be my hero after this. Tay Swift one time! Goddang.

(Note: "What Goes Around" previously by Justin Timberlake, now rocked by Tay Swift.)

Shelter from the Storm

So it's finally time for that big change everyone keeps talking about. We're all going to college in the next few weeks, all going "our different ways" if you will. Surprisingly, it's kind of a nice feeling. I used to dread the fact that this time was coming so soon. I didn't want to lose any friends. What I've come to realize is that losing friends isn't a consequence of going to college or moving towns or any outside circumstances, really. The reason why people lose friends is because they decide to. We should all just stop blaming college, methinks. It's not higher education's fault. The friends we do lose touch with are merely victims of having fulfilled their purpose.

For example, I believe that people are thrown into our lives for a purpose. Some are there to help you through the most impossible time in your life. Some are there to teach you lessons. And some, some people are there for the long haul. You never really know which of your friends fall into which category until you know. That's just the way it works. Friendship is kind of like an onion that way. You keep peeling off layers as you go through different stages in your life until you get to the lucky (or unlucky) few that carry on to the next stage. Sometimes, though, people really freaking surprise you.

I love how, now that high school is over and we're all moving on, people are starting to reveal what they really think about everyone. It gets that way. Like after elementary school you weren't friends with everyone anymore, just your people. Frankly, I'm quite flattered that some people were only friends with me as long as it was convenient for them. Means I'm good for something. I'm a firm believer that everyone is actively using everyone else for something at some point. Whether it be social status, sex, or just for company. Why do you think some people even have friends in the first place? When it comes down to it, people are wholly selfish human beings. It's okay though, because everyone is pretty much upfront about that fact. I still believe though, that even though we're all looking out for numero uno, every once in a while people evolve. They become better people--people who aren't selfish at all. That's the goal, right? It's not attractive to be cynical all the time. You've gotta have hope. It's the thing with feathers after all.

I like to think I turned out okay. I don't really go to church regularly but everytime I visit my friend Bailey, her family usually gets me to go. I don't think I'm too terribly close-minded or ignorant. I'm not too trusting. Despite contrasting opinions, whenever I love someone, I love them with everything I have. Sometimes, I think it's my greatest flaw. I expect too much from people and am always shocked when they let me down. Although I'm sometimes a cynic and like to hide behind a tough outer shell, I'm a softie at heart. It's not really a good disguise because anyone who really knows me is aware that I'm really just a bumbling girl on the inside. I've dabbled in things I probably shouldn't have but hey, who hasn't? I'm not a hoochie mamma. I've only ever truly cared about one boy and despite everything, I like to view that relationship as real and pure. I've got some damn good friends and by God, I love those crazy bitches and those awesome dudes. You guys know who you are.

All in all, I couldn't be happier with the way this chapter ended. We had some good times these past four years. We've also had some bad ones. I think its safe to say, Commerce High School will never be the same...seeing as how they're tearing it down. Everyone's changed in some major way. But you know what they say, the more thing's change, the more they stay the same. I think I speak for everyone when I say, here's hoping.

(Note: "Shelter from the Storm" is a song by Bob Dylan, and yeah those are two roads diverged in a yellow wood. Shout out to my boy Robert Frost and my Class of 2009 homies. Definately a memorable graduation speech theme seeing as how we've all heard that poem a million times.)

Everything Is Not What It Seems

I think I finally understand the magic of children's television. And why everyone is so obsessed with Hannah Montana. And why more people watch the Disney Channel than the A&E.

Kids' TV is easy and simple and fun. In a world where everyone is obsessed with ruining their lives and making everyone miserable, easy little Disney Channel shows are awesome. I generally try to lose myself in emotionally charged shows like Grey's Anatomy and LOST. But sometimes, these shows are depressing and upsetting as real life. And yet despite near-death experiences, magical elevators, polar bears in the tropics, and ridiculously romantic love stories, Grey's and LOST are still believable. Watching kids' TV, everything is unbelievably happy and bright. There are no complex plot lines to decipher and no episodes that are so sad you wish you were dead. I'm not saying my Emmy winning shows aren't worth it anymore-far from it. I'm just saying sometimes, I need a little bright and shiny.

So, I'm off to finish watching The Wizards of Waverly Place marathon that I have been enjoying for several hours. And when I leave to go meet my friends, damned if I'm not popping in the Demi Lovato CD I just bought. My apologies to Regina Spektor who was previously dominating my radio.

(Note: Everything Is Not What It Seems is the theme song to The Wizards of Waverly Place and sung by Selena Gomez.)

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Sometimes, I'm just too freaking tired to do it anymore.

Sometimes, I really just really freaking hate you to the point where I wish we'd never met.

Sometimes, I think you're full of shit.

Sometimes, I want to sit you down and tell you exactly what I think about your miserable excuse of a life.

Sometimes, I'm attracted to you.

Sometimes, I think I did it just so I could be near you. And sometimes, I think that's pathetic.

Sometimes, I know I made the right choice.

Sometimes, I resent you.

Sometimes, I really wish that you didn't exist. Like, ever.

Sometimes, I am so jealous of you I can't stand it.

Sometimes, I feel so alone. I don't like to feel alone. I'm a person who needs people. People are better than no people, right?

I'm stubborn. I dislike authority figures. I'm a good friend. I like to read books, lots of books. I don't open up to people very well and for good reason. The older I get, the more I see that you can't give your whole self to a person. I'm outgoing. I like to party. I'm impulsive. I'm up for just about anything. I like adventure. The thought of living a boring life scares me. I believe you have to go out there and live to truly be alive. I like the ocean when it isn't murky and gross. I love the feel of cold grass on my feet. I love to listen to music- all kinds of music. I like driving in my car completely alone except for the radio. I want to be able to trust people again. The list of people I truly trust is dwindling. I believe in magic and life on other planets. I think that if we hope hard enough, anything can happen. Money can't buy you happiness and sorrows know how to swim. I'm indecisive. It takes me forever to make a decision. I hate it when people manipulate me. I hate it when people underestimate me. My political views vary depending on the issue. I believe that people are destroying the Earth but I'm not an environmentalist. It just seems too trendy. Whenever I feel bad I like to either a) dance it out, b) cry, or c) drink tequila.

This is who I am...mostly. I don't care if you don't like it and I don't care if it offends you. I also don't give a shit if you want to continue riding your high freaking horse. Whatever. And I don't really have a reason for this, I just felt like bitching and I know that unlike everyone else on the planet, my blog listens and doesn't have it's own freaking opinions to share. Thank the gods.

(Note: The song is by The Smiths who are awesome and stuff. And in the picture, I feel like that girl in the corner, metaphorically speaking of course because I don't know how to tango very well. Only slightly.)

You Belong With Me

You know on TV shows, books, and movies when there's these two people who are like, obviously going to end up together but they insist on making it incredibly difficult for each other? Well for me, that's the real life story of two of my very best friends that I've known forever. For anonymity's sake let's call them...Elizabeth and Mr.Darcy.

Now, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy's tale is epic. They've known each other since before preschool, they're families have known each other forever, and they're all around just meant to be. So, once upon a time, Mr. Darcy professes his love for Elizabeth but of course Elizabeth doesn't take him seriously. For whatever reason (pride, fear, stupidity?) Elizabeth turns him down. Now, Mr. Darcy picks up his pride and the pieces of his poor little heart and tries to move on. Elizabeth even suggests the village...escort to bring him out of his slump, after all they've always been best friends. Meanwhile, Elizabeth tries dating Mr. Wickham who is, in fact, a good-for-nothing son-of-a-bitch. Elizabeth doesn't find this out until later of course. After the dust settles and Mr. Wickham is long gone, Elizabeth realizes her true and devoted love for her best friend, Mr. Darcy. However, Mr. Darcy is now dating Elizabeth friend...Charlotte. Elizabeth resists telling Mr. Darcy her true feelings out of respect for Charlotte. However, Charlotte and Mr. Darcy don't last long because those kinds of relationships never do, obviously. Plus, it just so happens that Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy will be travelling out of the country together.

Now, at this tropical rendezvous Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy act on their (obviously mutual) feelings whilst slightly inebriated. Instead of talking about it afterwards or even, I don't know, actually saying HOW THEY FEEL, they merely ignore it and continue about their lives. I am proud that they made at least a definite step forward. Because, to any sane person (outside the situation, of course) it's obvious that they love each other and will eventually get married. It's only a matter of time. Anyone who's read Pride and Prejudice knows that Elizabeth eventually admits her feelings to Mr. Darcy's bitchy aunt and whenever he finds out he rushes to her and says:

“You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.”

To which readers are given Elizabeth's internal struggle: "Elizabeth feeling all the more than common awkwardness and anxiety of his situation, now forced herself to speak; and immediately, though not very fluently, gave him to understand, that her sentiments had undergone so material a change, since the period to which he alluded, as to make her receive with gratitude and pleasure, his present assurances."

Which all basically means they finally, finally, finally, told the effing truth. I mean seriously, Elizabeth just swallow that pride and give him the old one-two. Tell him like it is. Men can't do anything for themselves they need a little prodding. Especially this particular Mr. Darcy. You're gonna have to get right up in his face and say:

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But (insert name here), I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

Elizabeth's everywhere eventually have to say it. We all eventually have to give up that power, that pride and put it all out there in the open. It's scary and it can hurt like hell, but in the end saying it beats the hell out of never trying.

(Note: I'd like to dedicate this blog to "Elizabeth" I love you and I'm proud of you. Title comes from "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift)

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

It's probably a cliche by now to post a blog about Michael Jackson, but I'm gonna do it anyway. MJ was the King of Pop. No one can dispute that. However, its been said many a'time that Michael wasn't exactly a morally just man. Maybe he was a child molester. Maybe he used his happy abode Neverland as a front. Maybe he did a bunch of drugs. Hell, maybe he killed a bunch of people.

The fact is, none of that matters once you're dead. It doesn't matter what you did to Great Aunt Sue at the 25th annual family reunion. It doesn't matter that you're gay and your parents disowned you. It doesn't matter that you have the sadistic pleasure of stealing little girl's underpants. When you're dead and gone, your List Of All The Horrible Things I've Done disappears.

Aunt Sue will remember all of the times you brought her an extra piece of pecan pie. Your parents will wish they hadn't disowned you and realize their mistake. Someone will wonder why you have so many teeny tiny pairs of undies. When it's all over, all that's left is you. Who you are. Not your accomplishments or failures. Just you.

Right now, all over the world, television stations are airing Michael Jackson specials. Every web browser has a feature and Youtube and MTV are playing his greatest hits nonstop. No one cares about his indiscretions. Everyone is remembering the first time Andrew did the Thriller dance at graduation. The time you tried to copy the Beat It dance but never could get it right. The time you attempted to do the moon walk. Because, who hasn't tried that?

Death is the great equalizer and no one can escape it. But people, the fact that for once, just once, the world isn't talking about all the bad things Michael did. The tabloids are running pictures of him hanging his baby out the window. The world is looking back on Michael and what his music meant to them. And that's who Michael Jackson is. He is his music. And his music will live on, cheesy as that sounds. And doesn't everyone want something whole, something solid to leave behind when they go?

In the words of Michael Jackson: “If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.”

Indeed, it can.

(Note: "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" is a song by the late Michael Jackson, may he rest in peace.)

Womanizer

The other day, I asked my sister why exactly it is cool to be a super-geek about Harry Potter and why it isn't cool to be a super-geek about Twilight. We entered into a long and tiring converstation in which we finally came to the conclusion that it is because of the 9-15 year olds and the soccer moms. You see, it isn't considered cool to like the same things as babies are soccer moms who drive mini vans and go to PTO meetings. Even if you DID like Twilight 100 years before everyone else in the free world liked it. Which sucks btw. It's just like JJ Abrams, Bradley Cooper, and old teen movies. I like them for years before JJ Abrams decided to become a mainstream phenom and Bradley Cooper made The Hangover and old teen movies started being remade because people have such horrible taste in movies that they won't watch anything actually worthwhile so Hollywood has to keep shitting out movies about comic book heroes and redoing old teen movies, but I digress.

Anywho, I decided to do some research and figure out why exactly it is that housewives, kids who are too young to be reading about vampire pregnancies, teenagers who can't digest the classics and pretty much everyone else in the world all of a sudden likes vampires. I mean where were all of these people when Buffy was on TV? If all these people loved vampires then, we could've squeezed out a few more seasons!

WHY WOMEN LOVE VAMPIRES (or Why I Can't Go Anywhere Without Hearing The Name Edward Cullen)

#1 Vampires Are Loners:

Vampires like to be alone. They don't have a bunch of dude friends constantly taking up their time and making obnoxious jokes. We love vampires because vampire men never ever have anything to do. They'd rather be with you than do almost anything else. Vampires have all the time in the world.

#2 You Don't Have To Entertain Them During The Day

You know how you get overwhelmed when your boyfriend is at your house all day and then wants to do something at night? None of that with vampires. You can do whatever you want all day without having to worry about texting or hanging with your man. And then, you get to spend all night with them.

#3 Vampires Dress Well

How is it that vampires always look good? You'll never find a vampire looking like absolute shit unless they've just been in a fight. Which is kind of sexy. And even then they're still wearing designer clothes.

#4 Vampires Aren't Just About The Sex

Vampires would much rather make out or be involved in some heavy petting. Not to say they don't like sex, but they take their time getting there. Look at Angel. No sex until he couldn't take it anymore and wham bam no soul for him. And Edward. No sex until he couldn't put it off any longer and he got Bella preggers with a vampire child. Vampires embrace all the wonders of just kissing and aren't just after your ass.

#5 Vampires Are Moody

We all like to complain about drama, but in reality all women love drama. It's no fun if there isn't any drama in the relationship. And vampires are all full of mixed emotions and whinyness.

#6 Vampires Are Persuasive

Vampires love convincing their women to try new things. Like Bill. Bill convinces Sookie that it's perfectly okay for him to bite her from time to time. Vampires are suave, cool, soft-spoken and this only intensifies their charm. And us girls, we eat that shit up.

#7 Vampires Search Forever To Find "The Girl"

Vampires live forever and so they spend their whole lives searching for something to make it all better. This usually includes a human girl who is, in fact, the girl this vampire has "been looking for all of his meaningless existence. It's all very romantic. Which brings me to...

#8 Vampires Are Romantic

It's true. Vampires can romance the crap out of just about anyone. They're always dark and mysterious and moody and guilt-ridden and this somehow leads them to be extremely romantic. Plus they never talk too much and always make sure that everything goes perfectly. No awkwardness, no shyness. It comes with years of practice.

#9 Vampires Are Strong

Women love men who are strong and powerful. They are physically strong and usually in pretty good shape. (Brad Pitt in Interview with a Vampire) They are also mentally strong and usually incredibly intelligent. (Edward Cullen) This amazing combo of being nearly invincible and muscular plus being able to recite the square root of pi is very impressive to a lady.

And Finally....

#10 Vampires Are The Ultimate Bad Boys

We all love bad boys even if we are afraid to admit it. Plus a vampire is searching for his true love, needs a woman's love, lives by his own rules, wears nice clothes, and is hated by millions of people. This makes him the ultimate bad ass. You couldn't possible pick someone that is worse for you and that adds to a vampire's attractiveness.

Why? Idk. I'm just another mindless fan who happens to be a woman and absolutely dies everytime she sees Brad Pitt as a vampire.

(Note: "Womanizer" is a song by Britney Spears and all research came from AskMen.com and Wikipedia)

Time is Running Out

Do you ever get that feeling like something bad is going to happen? Like somebody somewhere is pissed at you and they're just waiting for the right time to blow up in your face? I feel like that. It's probably irrational and probably a little paranoid but I do feel like that.

Currently I'm in Texas not doing a damn thing. It's been a pretty relaxing trip. People have been cooking me food and mixing me drinks all week. I've been tanning and swimming and shopping nonstop, which seems like a pretty accurate description of my whole summer. I have yet to do anything worthwhile except going to SOAR. Those thank-you notes remain empty. Whatever.

Somehow, I always end up in screwed up situations. Like somehow or another I'm THAT person. I don't know. Maybe some part of me is responsible for this. Who knows? I think that I could possibly be a terrible hypocrite and possibly a psychopath. My family thinks I'm a selfish bitch. I made a quiz on the Face about myself and no one can pass. I need to pay for a lot of shit and I don't have enough money. I wish that I was younger and everyone would smile at how cute I was and buy me everything I needed and even when someone was really angry with you they wouldn't be angry for long because you're a kid.

When you're a kid, you aren't responsible for anything. When you're a kid you can do whatever you want. I always used to want to grow up as fast as possible. I longed to be in middle school, couldn't wait to be 16 to get a car and was absolutely thrilled to be a legal adult. Now I just feel like that sand in hourglasses. You can't stop it and no matter how hard you try, you fall everytime.

Life really is like an hourglass glued to the table.

(Note: "Time is Running Out" is a song by Muse)

Unwritten

So I've been watching The Hills nonstop lately and I've realized something. On the outside, The Hills looks like a fake reality show about a bunch a rich people going to clubs and causing drama. However, The Hills is more than that. The Hills can teach us much about life.

Lesson #1: You should always have good nails. The people on this show always have excellently manicured or painted nails. It just makes them look even more put together. I mean, everyone has time to use a little nail polish.

Lesson #2: If your boyfriend as a real D-bag to your friends, its probably a sign that he might actually be a real D-bag. Hello? Spencer is a sad pathetic little shit and yet he brainwashes Heidi into losing all of her friends.

Lesson #3: If you let your boyfriend control your life, you are a dipshit. I mean really. How's that worked out for anyone?

Lesson #4: You should always, always, always say exactly what you feel. If everyone was a little more upfront about their feelings, regardless of the potential consequences, things would be so much easier.

Lesson #5: "Truth and time tells all." Justin Bobby may be disgusting and an asshole, but the man can be wise.

Lesson #6: "Always dress nicer than you think you should." Being overdressed is always better than looking like the slob of the bunch.

Lesson #7: "Love is not a maybe thing. You know when you love somebody." Its true, even though sometimes it really sucks. Well spoken, Lauren Conrad.

Lesson #8: Never, ever turn down a trip to Paris. Even if your boyfriend will potentially get super bitchy or find a new girlfriend with bigger boobs while you're away.

Lesson #9: You should visit home on occasion or else you might go a tad insane. Everyone needs a dose of normalcy every now and again.

Lesson #10: It is never a good idea to have platinum blonde hair. Period. Ever.

The amazing thing, is that these very informative and helpful lessons are only the tip of the iceburg when it comes to this show. I could go on forever, but I'm late for a date with my pals to see The Hangover. Yay!

(Note: Unwritten is the theme song of The Hills by Natasha Bedingfield or something.)

The Day the World Went Away

So, I graduated High School. It was a truly wonderful experience. Our class spent our last hour together in the Library and I really felt like everyone was going to miss someone there. It was like the years of stress and drama didn't really matter because for that one hour, we all felt the same thing. It sounds cheesy but I really felt like everyone connected or something. Throughout the ceremony, I got to thinking about the last four years and everything that has happened and I can honestly say that I have no regrets. I can look back fondly on high school and know that even the lowest moment taught me something. I love my classmates, even though I hate some of them. I love my teachers, even though they could be real bitches. I loved high school, I really did. Maybe that makes me one of those people but I don't care. Anyway, you couldn't make me go back for all the money in the world. College, here I come!

The senior trip was everything I hoped it would be. A tiny bit of drama, but whatever. I don't regret getting a tattoo even though I was a tad drunk at the time. Speaking of, almost dying of alcohol poisoning taught me a valuable lesson: I don't want to be one of those girls. I don't want to party and drink all of the time. Sure, I'm gonna have a good time and probably drink on occasion, but I don't want to be like...those girls. But, it was fun. You're supposed to be wasted on your senior trip. I also felt like I grew a lot closer to everyone who went on the cruise. There were like no boundaries between us for a while and I hope it stays that way. I wouldn't have done one thing differently, except maybe buying more Kalik in the Bahamas. I don't care what you say, that shit is boss.

Seeing my old friends graduate really took me back. Their parents were all really happy to see me, I took loads of pictures, and we were exactly where we were 18 years ago. Of course, we've all changed. Taylor is like dating this dude now, which is weird because she was always the one with all of the sense who stayed away from boys. Bailey is older and wiser than she used to be, but ever the idealist. She always sees the good in people and always thinks that she will have her fairytale ending. Hogan is dating this bitchtastic slut that Bailey pretends to be friends with. Whatever, they will sort this thing out and end up together like I always knew they would. And I will become a minister and marry their asses.

I am currently being a bum. My life consists of watching The Hills, reading the books that have been piling up since the 10th grade when I stopped having time to read for pleasure, and avoiding writing my thank you notes. I got my shots for college but it still seems like I have a million things to do to get ready for the next great adventure. But meantime, I have to start reading, finish The Hills, and watch all of the amazing summer movies coming out.

(Note: "The Day the World Went Away" is by Nine Inch Nails and is featured in the trailer for Terminator Salvation, my new favorite movie.)

A Change is Gonna Come

Last week, my last full week of high school, it finally hit me how much we have all changed. Situations have changed, people have changed, opinions have even changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. Change is an inevitable part of life. At one time in my life, I believed that I should resist change at all costs. You know, dig your heels into the ground and hang on for dear life. Eventually I learned to accept change and to deal with it because it sure as hell comes whether you're totally approving or not. I don't think it is possible for anyone to completely embrace change. It seems kind of...suspicious.

Anyways, this week taught me a lesson I won't soon forget. On Monday, me and Andrea decided to be friends again. This proved that even though we're both stubborn asses, we can get over it. Just another instance that proves friends can be the biggest bitches in the world to each other and still love each other the next hour but that's a story for a different day. On Tuesday, me and Callie went to eat with Katie and Jennie. It's really difficult to grasp the fact that we went to school together two freaking years ago. Seems like ages. I remembered everything we did together and all the inside jokes and all the funny things that happened. It was almost like going back in time except for I'm graduating in six days and Katie's turning 21 this year.

Thursday night, a group of us senior girls spent the night at my dad's house because he was out of town. We all talked and bonded and watched Grey's Anatomy and cried. It was really very sweet. Then we went to bed only to wak up and find that our cars had been trashed in the morning. I thought it was all very funny. To me, it meant that someone loved me enough to put Vaseline under my handles. It made me remember all the times I had rolled, trashed, painted, egged, etc. anyone's stuff. I almost cried. On Friday, CLASS members had to go babysit all of the elementary school kids at Field Day. I remembered when I had field day and how much I admired the high school kids that helped out. I always wanted to be one of those kids and now I was. It was weird for me. Then we all swam at Anna-Marie's and bonded and I managed to get Matt's paper to the school just in time.

As I was leaving that school, for the last time as a real student, it all kind of seemed surreal to me. Like something out of a movie. I had a group hug with Cha Bowen and Matt in the hallway and literally broke down. One day this week, I heard Mrs. Bagwell asking her sophomores what the hallway adverb was and I couldn't help but say "silently" with a smile. This week, I had dinner with old friends who seemed more like friends I'd never stop being friends with. Maybe I never did. I made up with Andrea and now I don't feel like such an asshole. I went out to eat for a new friend's birthday and had the best time. Whether it be new friends, old friends, friends I had been fighting for, or people that I barely spend time with, this week I loved every single one of them. It finally hit me that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter where you go to college or what you do with your life or anything. It doesn't matter if you don't keep in touch but once every blue moon. A friend is a friend.

Change happens. Sometimes its a slap in the face. Sometimes it sneaks up on you. Sometimes you see it coming. Last night, sitting beside Anna-Marie's pool like I've done for years now, it slowly seeped into my brain. You can be horrible to someone. You can open up completely to someone even when you have trust issues. You can have your heart ripped from your chest. You can spend an hour talking in the rain and not notice. You can ignore your friend for months. You can make new friends if you let yourself. You can learn a lesson from a five year old. You can spend your whole life trying to control yourself. You can let loose completely. You can do all these things, with different people, at different times, and years from now, you can go back there even if everything is different at the present.

Change touches everything, it seems. However, you can't alter friendship and you can't alter emotions. They are always there. All you have to do is find them.

(Note: From now on, I've decided that all of the titles to my blog posts will also be the titles of songs that I like and that are appropriate to the subject matter. Title comes from a song by Sam Cooke.)

"Stubborn and ardent clinging to one's opinion is the best proof of stupidity."

So. We made up. Not surprisingly it wasn't me who gave in first. I'm the stubborn one after all. It only makes sense that I should hang on to some stupid...something for such a long ass time.

I also realized that it was my fault. It was all my fault. It's not that I didn't care enough, it's that I just gave up. I quit, ya know? Right in the middle of the 7th inning stretch I straight up threw down my bat and walked off the field. Who does that to their person? This shall serve as further proof that I actually am a really crappy human being who deserves to be isolated from the rest of the world.

However, I refuse to be too hard on myself. Even Meredith and Cristina had their fight that one time where they didn't talk for like, 11 episodes or something ridiculous like that. And seriously, remember that time that Peyton and Brooke hated each other? And that was over a DUDE. That's much more stupid than thinking your friend was mad when she actually wasn't mad at all which made her mad that you ignored her because you thought she was mad which made you more mad....okay, maybe this was more stupid. But they fought over Lucas! He's not even sexy anymore! And, oh, I don't even care anymore. What's the use arguing with yourself on your blog?

The truth is, I'm really happy about this. I just wish I was the one who caved. It makes me feel like a really shitty jerk that I was soooooo stubborn for sooooo long. I'm the bad guy now. How do I fix that?

Deterioration of the Fight or Flight Response

How did I get here? What did I do to end up here, in this place where I've lost so much? They say you reap what you sow. If that's so, that means that I probably deserve this. Maybe I'm a bad person after all. Not bad like I kill people, but dark and twisty. Like messed up in the head or something. Seriously.

It hit me today that you can love a person and walk away from them completely. I also realized that I have done this time and time again in my life. I never let anyone get too close to me. I close up, I cut people off. When I was 11 years old, I moved away from the town I grew up in. All my friends threw me a going away party at the golf course pool that we'd all hung out at for our whole lives. They made me a pillow case with my name on it and everyone signed it. I cried like the baby I was in front of everyone. I tried to mask it as water from the pool, but everyone knew I was crying. I left the best friends I had ever had in the world. We grew up together since we were literally in diapers.

I started a new school fairly close by. I didn't want to make really good friends with anyone because I felt like I would be betraying my old friends. So, I became friends with people but never let them in. No one wants to sit alone at the lunch table. I stayed close to my old friends and tried to have it both ways. I had a wreck when I was 12 because I desperately wanted attention. I was such a stupid kid. After that, I pretty much kept to myself because I felt guilty. This is when I realized that my parents hated each other.

When I was 14, we moved again. I convinced myself that I would rather be alone than have friends so I continued my routine. I kept this up until I realized that keeping to one's self means staying at home and staying at home meant being around my parents. It was at this point that I realized that people are better than no people. So, I made friends. Pretty damn good ones too. But things happen you know? And sure enough, I've found that at times, I isolate myself from them. I go to my own world and pretend I don't need anyone but my sister. She's my sister. She can't leave me. She's like, obligated or something.

Unconciously, subconsiously, or intentionally, I always seem to alienate myself when I need to. When I finally, finally let someone in-let them see me for who I really am; no lies, no acting-I almost immediately close up. I close up and pretend that I don't care. And if you tell yourself something often enough, you eventually believe it. Just like Willy Loman. You eventually fall victim to the lies you tell yourself. Right now, at this exact moment, I believe that I will be just fine on my own. I don't need anyone. I'm strong and independent.

I also realize, deep in the hidden parts of my brain (heart?) that people need people. And that I desperately need someone. And that is why I called you out of nowhere. Because I needed someone.

Of course, I would never admit this out loud. Because somehow, if you say it out loud, that makes it real. And that would make me a coward. Which, of course, I am not. Seriously.

these are the roles we choose to play

Like any honest person, I enjoy a good love triangle. However, today as I was watching Dawson's Creek, I realized something. First off, everyone has their own opinions as to who should end up with who. My question is: what is this based on? How are we CONVINCED of who belongs with whom?

In my (very flawed) opinion, Joey belonged with Pacey all along. Leia was always going to be with Han even before she found out Luke was her brother. Kate and Sawyer are meant to be, even though I love Juliet. Hermione should have been with Harry because both Ron and Ginny are absolutely ridiculous. Buffy and Angel are just supposed to be together regardless of the whole vampire/slayer deal and that whole Spike thing. Bella was always going to choose Edward even though Jacob was the easier and better choice. (Personally, she can have whiny/sexy/delicious Edward, I will take fine-as-hell Jacob off her hands) McDreamy belongs with Meredith despite having been married when first they met in that wonderful bar. Peyton and Lucas should be together even though I love Brooke more than the both of them combined. Logan and Veronica should have ended up together even though Piz was totally hot, Logan was just it despite his many flaws. Kelly most definately should have been with good-boy Brandon over the playa Dylan, I guess that whole thing just goes to show that even the best of us can't resist the bad boys...even when they're dating our pseudo-best friend Brenda.

In some cases I was absolutely right. Han and Leia got married and had lots of Jedi babies, Edward and Bella got jiggy with it and had Rosemary's baby, McDreamy and Meredith might just tie that knot pretty soon...

Other times I have been horribly mistaken. Kelly wound up preggers with ass-face Dylan's kid, and Ron married Hermione. Can anyone explain this to me? I'm not sure if I will ever get over the fact that the best character in Harry Potter married the worst. I mean, wtf?

Sometimes, I'm left hanging. I still don't know who Veronica chose because somebody had to go and cancel Veronica Mars. Buffy/Angel/Spike was pretty much left wide open. I will probably never know if Kate and Sawyer end up together. That would be too easy. And Peyton might die in childbirth so I'm leaving the possibility of a Lucas/Brooke reunion open.

Anyways, I couldn't tell you exactly why I feel that these people should be together. I can give proof both to prove my point and to the contrary. I can argue both cases. I'm not completely blind to the evidence there is that Dawson should be with Joey, I just disagree. Why, I don't know. I just do. Maybe it's some deep insight into my inner-psyche. Maybe the couples that I root for say something about myself. All I know is that in my mind, The Epilogue of Deathly Hallows does not exist and Harry and Hermione are happily married and in the process of making babies. And as long as it exists in my mind, I can disregard what anybody else says.

eternity was in our lips and eyes

At present, I am watching Slumdog Millionaire. This movie always has two huge affects on me:

1. I am very glad that I do not live like the slumdogs in India. Those people deserve so much more than sleeping in cardboard huts and washing their clothes in the sewer. The fact that there are people in this world who are still forced to live in such horrible conditions is disgusting. It's 2009. Why are there still people who live off of other people's trash?

2. Everyone should have something to live for. And personally, I think that there is still good in this world. And one day, I hope someone will love me as much as Jamal loves Latika. It is beautiful.

These thoughts lead me to the conclusion that people are stupid. Everyone is constantly complaining about meaningless nuisances when there is so many other things they could be doing. I mean shut up already. Stop complaining about the same crap all the time. Does it really matter? Will you really care in a few years? The answer is no. You won't care and it doesn't matter. The stupid little problems and the boring little complaints that everyone whines about every day don't matter. I bet that if everyone tried to find a REAL problem, they'd come up empty handed. Because for the most part, no one has anything to complain about and nothing is really that bad.

Nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems.

How To Say Goodbye

leaving isn't quite the same, he said to me,
as running away
if you're scared or tired of what you're scared of
well, why should you stay?
he loved to say goodbye
and always counted out the time
until he was free, to get up and leave
to learn how to breath
again


slipping out to have a cigarette with someone else that he'd never met
ask her if by the way would she like to run away
and try to forget?
or just not to stay, to leave without saying why


to get up and go
to catch the last train
to get in some car
and drive out again
to never come back this way....
and have to say....
goodbye

-paul tiernan

the fire's out anyway

I wish that I wasn't so analytical.

My (I guess) ex-best friend has dropped all pretenses of being mad at me and is instead ignoring me. I should be angry, or upset, or something, but I just can't bring myself to care. Because, if I let myself care, I will be utterly useless as a person because I will be thinking of all the many things I've done to deserve this.

I'm not so stubborn that I can't admit that I might have a thing for him. However, I'm notoriously terrible at handling matters of the heart and so, I refuse to discuss it. This refusal, however, doesn't stop my stupid head from thinking.

In the final hour of my last year in high school, I have changed my mind completely about where I want to go to school. I've completely put aside Georgia State and settled on Georgia Southern. The fact that I like rural Statesboro much better than metro Atlanta says alot about myself. What it says, I don't know.

I want everything to work out. I want to avoid a confrontation at all costs. I would prefer if we just never talked about it. That's how friendships end, you know, quietly. Not with a bang, but a whisper. I want to go to prom with the person I want to go to prom with and I want it to be great. Chances are, nothing else about prom is going to be at all perfect, so I'd just like to have this one thing. I want to go to Southern and like it, and never leave there. I want my family to be proud of me and to approve.

I want all these things, and yet, I have no idea how to make them happen. I'm sure I'll figure something out.

Hit me baby. Just one more time.

Tonight I shall fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing Britney Spears in concert. I have wished and hoped for this day throughout most of my childhood. When I was younger, I WORSHIPPED her. I had Britney shirts, Britney hats, Britney CDs, Britney lunchboxes. I was a smaller, much simpler, much happier, version of the person I am now and I wanted to be Britney Spears.

However, I must admit that I was disillusioned. I would rather die than have that kind of pressure on me now. Like Britney, I would positively crack under the pressure. I think this is why I still loved her when she was crazy. I mean, who wouldn't go freaking crazy if you had her life? Really? So what if she went to the bathroom without shoes on? Who hasn't done that? And, I have often found myself wishing that I didn't have hair. So what if Britney actually did it? Two semi-marriages and two children later, she still kicks ass. Everyone makes mistakes people. Seriously.

While on the topic of disillusionment I must also admit to another quite large mistake I have made. I'm going to the concert with a group of friends that I've known for quite a while now. I love them, I really do. Recently, me and (pretty much the only sane one of the group) Callie had a discussion regarding the past and the people we know. I realized that my opinion of those people was based fully and what I believed to be true. Not fact, but my interpretation of events. However, like Britney, I have realized that maybe what I thought was fan-freaking-tastic, really just sucks. Maybe, the people you think you know aren't all that and a bag of Dharma chips. Maybe, they're really not at all anything like someone you would like. And if so, who are the people that I created that have my friend's face but are actually completely different? Do they exist at all? Or did I just pull the blindfold over my eyes and see something that wasn't there at all? In any case, I'm highly disappointed in myself. But hey, people make mistakes.

Anyway, I will be doomed to ponder the answers to these questions whilst speeding through Atlanta traffic trying to find a parking place, and later listening to the sounds of my childhood with entirely too much of Britney's new stuff thrown in. Nothing's ever as good as the origninal, is it?

"Everyone's convinced sooner or later, Jack."

At this point in my week I think I'm going to make it my ritual to discuss the various tv episodes of the week. I may go into detail, I may not. But every week, one show shall emerge victorious over all the others. Let us begin.

Heroes: This week on heroes saw Claire finally growing a backbone and defying HRG's wishes. Yes, that's right folks, Claire told her (fake) pops to shove it. She also told her (fake) mom that old HRG wasn't being honest with his shnookums. This resulted in HRG being thrown out of the house where he goes to bar to drown his sorrows. But wait! HRG's been drugged and the FUGITIVES have captured him! Also, the mom from One Tree Hill and the voice of Nala is now on Nathan's team. Plus, ultra fine new boy Alex and Tracy/Nikki/Jessica kicking some ASS while being held captive by the Heroes Nazis. I'll give this one a B+ just because HRG finally got his.


LOST: This week on Lost we finally, finally got what we've all been waiting for: the epic return of the Oceanic 6 to The Island. Thank God. We learn that the only way our guys can get back to The Island is to get on board an Ajira (hello? that water bottle when we were jumping through time?) Airlines flight to Guam at which point our guys will pass through a "window" and bam! end up back on the island. But, it has to be ALL of them, and they have to recreate as much as possible from the first time. We began with Jack, Ben, and Dead Locke being the only ones who wanted to go back. Then Ben was all "Jin is alive." and Sun was in. However, Hurley would rather be in jail than go anywhere with Ben, Sayid pretty much told everyone to eff off, and Kate wasn't hearing it. So, Jack is told by that Mysterious Old Woman that he has to give Dead Locke something of his daddy's. He goes to his grandfather and gets his dad's shoes and puts them on Locke. Ben calls and says Jack's gonna have to take care of Locke cuz Ben's been beaten to a bloody pulp. But wait! Is that Kate in Jack's apartment? Yes it is! And she's going to the island but not with Aaron (who you don't ask about or she won't give you any). Now we're at the airport where: Jack, Kate and Sun are all checking in. But wait! Hurley's here! We don't know how or why but he is and he's buying a whole lot of tickets on that flight. Also, Sayid mysteriously shows up, handcuffed, and with a woman we don't know. Next, whenever everyone is seated, Ben shows up just in time! And just when you think you can't take anymore, freaking Helicopter Flying Guy is the freaking pilot of the freaking plane! And then, like magic, Jack is shown blinking awake in a scene reminscent of the very first scene in the very first episode, except this time, he is reborn. He is now Jack, The Man of Faith. And he saves Hurley and uses his healing hands on Kate and then they look up to see....JIN! in a Dharma Van wearing Dharma clothes!

THEORIES: I think that Kate has some inside scoop on what motivated everyone to return to The Island. ("We're all on the same plane, but we're not together.") Also, Jack's grandpa? I don't think he's Jack's grandpa. I think HE'S JACK.

A+ for finally giving us what we've wanted since Jack's shout, "We have to go BACK!!"

Grey's: This episode was both excellent and terrible at the same time. First off let me say, I LOVE ADDISON. Why did she have to leave? I don't think anyone will ever convince me that Private Practice was worth it. It just isn't fair. The scene with McDreamy and Addison and their little "Drop the scalpel" showdown was excellent. And Meredith! Oh, my! McDreamy and Addison fight over the patient and patient's in-belly fetus and which one should live. Derrick thinks he can save patient by cutting lots of her brain out, Addison is like "She'll die, let me save the baby" and I have to say that I agree with her. I don't know much about being a brain surgeon, but cutting out hunks of someone's brain doesn't seem like such a good idea. Addison calls in help from Mer who tells Der that he just needs to chill, Der doesn't listen and Addison calls in the Chief. Der gives up, Addi wins, patient dies, baby lives. You'd think that would be it but NO! Patient's husband tells Der "You killed my wife. You're a murderer." which makes everyone look at Der with pity. Then, McSteamy chooses this terrible moment to tell Der that he's sleeping with Lil Grey. They proceed to beat the ever-loving hell out of each other. It. Was. Hot.

Also going on we have Christina insulting Faye Dunaway about her surgery skills and Hunt taking Christina's side secretly. He then tells her that she was wrong but that he wants to be around when she's 40.

The Dumbest Interns In The World mixed up a patient's blood with Izzie's blood and it turns out Izzie might have cancer. Huh.

George walked with Izzie to The Happy Place.

A, because the moment Arizona skated in on her wheelie shoes, I laughed til I cried.

THE WINNER IS: Lost. I like sexy man fights and hate HRG, but dudes. They went back to The Island. Come on.

Once upon a midnight dreary...

I've been sick for the past couple of days. This down time has, of course, led to some pretty serious thinking.

First of all, I am terribly excited about graduating. I'm ready now. I want to go out and have my own life and meet new people and all that jazz. I'm tired of living an oh so monotonous life.

Second, I am utterly useless. I have no hobbies or interests, and I don't do anything interesting ever. The last really daring thing I did was stuffing lots of gummy bears in my mouth. I'm not happy with myself or the things I do. I've pretty much given up on school. I don't put forth any real effort in it.

Finally, I really hate some people. I really, really do.

So, with all of these thoughts running rampant through my head, I've decided what needs to be done. I need to change. I need to put forth some effort in my school work. I need to work out often so that I can lose some weight. I need to get my groove back.