How did I get here? What did I do to end up here, in this place where I've lost so much? They say you reap what you sow. If that's so, that means that I probably deserve this. Maybe I'm a bad person after all. Not bad like I kill people, but dark and twisty. Like messed up in the head or something. Seriously. It hit me today that you can love a person and walk away from them completely. I also realized that I have done this time and time again in my life. I never let anyone get too close to me. I close up, I cut people off. When I was 11 years old, I moved away from the town I grew up in. All my friends threw me a going away party at the golf course pool that we'd all hung out at for our whole lives. They made me a pillow case with my name on it and everyone signed it. I cried like the baby I was in front of everyone. I tried to mask it as water from the pool, but everyone knew I was crying. I left the best friends I had ever had in the world. We grew up together since we were literally in diapers.
I started a new school fairly close by. I didn't want to make really good friends with anyone because I felt like I would be betraying my old friends. So, I became friends with people but never let them in. No one wants to sit alone at the lunch table. I stayed close to my old friends and tried to have it both ways. I had a wreck when I was 12 because I desperately wanted attention. I was such a stupid kid. After that, I pretty much kept to myself because I felt guilty. This is when I realized that my parents hated each other.
When I was 14, we moved again. I convinced myself that I would rather be alone than have friends so I continued my routine. I kept this up until I realized that keeping to one's self means staying at home and staying at home meant being around my parents. It was at this point that I realized that people are better than no people. So, I made friends. Pretty damn good ones too. But things happen you know? And sure enough, I've found that at times, I isolate myself from them. I go to my own world and pretend I don't need anyone but my sister. She's my sister. She can't leave me. She's like, obligated or something.
Unconciously, subconsiously, or intentionally, I always seem to alienate myself when I need to. When I finally, finally let someone in-let them see me for who I really am; no lies, no acting-I almost immediately close up. I close up and pretend that I don't care. And if you tell yourself something often enough, you eventually believe it. Just like Willy Loman. You eventually fall victim to the lies you tell yourself. Right now, at this exact moment, I believe that I will be just fine on my own. I don't need anyone. I'm strong and independent.
I also realize, deep in the hidden parts of my brain (heart?) that people need people. And that I desperately need someone. And that is why I called you out of nowhere. Because I needed someone.
Of course, I would never admit this out loud. Because somehow, if you say it out loud, that makes it real. And that would make me a coward. Which, of course, I am not. Seriously.
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