Once upon a midnight dreary...

I've been sick for the past couple of days. This down time has, of course, led to some pretty serious thinking.

First of all, I am terribly excited about graduating. I'm ready now. I want to go out and have my own life and meet new people and all that jazz. I'm tired of living an oh so monotonous life.

Second, I am utterly useless. I have no hobbies or interests, and I don't do anything interesting ever. The last really daring thing I did was stuffing lots of gummy bears in my mouth. I'm not happy with myself or the things I do. I've pretty much given up on school. I don't put forth any real effort in it.

Finally, I really hate some people. I really, really do.

So, with all of these thoughts running rampant through my head, I've decided what needs to be done. I need to change. I need to put forth some effort in my school work. I need to work out often so that I can lose some weight. I need to get my groove back.

you think you know somebody

“Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.”



But does anyone ever really know anyone? How many people can honestly say that truly know someone, even better than themselves? I don't know of one single person that I've ever known that hasn't completely shocked me at one point or another. No matter how much you think you know somebody, there will always be that day of reckoning where you can't imagine how you ever thought you knew them.

I'm not sure what causes this phenomenon exactly. Its complicated to wade through. I think that the real reason why no one can know anyone is because no one truly knows who they are. I don't know who I am. I know my opinions on some issues. I know my likes and dislikes. However, my personality traits have changed drastically over the years. This happens with most people, I have found.

So, because no one is 100% certain about who they are any specific time, how can anyone possibly hope to truly know any other person?

This thought saddens me.

But, do I really want to know anyone? Or would that just ruin it all?

the passing of the torch

Yesterday, I fulfilled my big sister duties and took my younger sister to her high school orientation. I took her to the same classroom I went to, and she sat in the same chair I sat in, and she signed up for the same classes that I took. I found myself zoning out halfway through the meeting and was struck with this overwhelming sense of deja vu. You know in the movies when someone seems to see something that isn't there, but they can see it so clearly that its almost real? That's what it was like. I saw myself four years ago, so different than the way I am now, yet so similar. I saw myself laughing at Mr. Miller and blushing when he complemented me on being in all the smart kid classes. I saw my parents there (together) and remembered being so terrible frightened of high school.

Now, I'm sitting in my 3rd block class. I'm a senior and I'm graduating in like three months. I'll be going to my very last prom and taking my very last AP exam before then. Those people in the picture? That's my entire class. Some of those people I love with everything that I have. Some of those people I really wish would die. And a great many of those people I don't know nearly enough. In a few months, I'll never have to see most of them again. I'll never have to pretend to be nice to any of them. I'll never have to sit in class with them ever again. In a way this is comforting, but at the same time, it is the most terrifying thing I've ever known.

All of a sudden, I feel so very old and mature. I know this isn't the case but still. I'll miss this place. I'll miss these people and these teachers. All in all, I'd say I had a pretty good run. I hope my sister has just a great a time as I had. I mean, don't get me wrong, most of my sophomore and junior years were excruciating. But sometimes, you gotta look at the good stuff ya know? Like football games every friday night. And dancing like a fool at Homecoming and Prom. Signing up for classes and trying to avoid the Great Enforcer. Listening to Kise bitch and moan about what is and isn't appropriate for the yearbook. Going to the snack machine and hoping you don't have an inclusion class. Fighting Mrs. Roler about getting your schedule right. Making friends and losing friends and wishing those guys would just STOP farting in homeroom.

Have fun, Rachael. Don't take it for granted.

the archetype of Xander Harris

I have always known that I hated Xander Harris. I have loathed him from the very first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Recently, however, I have come to the conclusion that it is not Xander Harris whom I hate. Don't get me wrong, I DEFINATELY hate Xander. But more importantly, I really hate his entire archetype. I hate every single Xander Harris in all the world. Not quite sure what qualifies you to be a Xander? Let's clear it up.

First, you must be absolutely useless. Not in the sense that you're a human vegetable, but in the sense that you are alive and simply have no use amongst the people whom surround you. Xander, for instance, chooses to surround himself with people who are significantly more talented and useful in a million different ways whilst he remains, essentially useless. Now, if Xander chose instead to live amongst his own kind, i.e. other losers, he wouldn't be a problem. Birds of a feather, and all that.

Secondly, you must be profoundly stupid. I don't mean that you don't understand brain surgery or complex math. I'm talking common sense wise. Xander doesn't understand anything. He constantly screws up even when people give him exact, step-by-step instructions. It's almost like he is unable to make an actual real-life good decision. He messes every situation up, yet doesn't mean to. I know, its very difficult for intelligent people to understand.

Finally, you must have unrealistic expectations for yourself. Some would call this ambition. I think its only ambition when the goal is could actually someday be in reach. Constantly setting unrealistic goals for yourself is dumb. Like Xander. Xander seems to think that he's just as capable at saving the world, or getting the (unattainable) girl as just about anyone. But he's not. He will never amount to anything like his friends.

So you see, the archetype of Xander Harris is, in fact, an archetype found often in television, movies, books, and other forms of entertainment. Xander Harris is George O'Malley. He is Jimmy Olsen. He is Mouth, C3PO, and Duckie. He is Merry and Pippin, and that movie that no one went to see. He will never get the girl. He will never be Superman. He will never overwhelm the box office, nor will he go with Frodo to Mount Doom. And he will never, ever, save the world.

If you ask me, its about time the Xanders of the world wise up.

live together, die alone

I have recently come to the conclusion that I, in fact, do not have a life. No, I'm not being dramatic, nor am I particularly upset about this knowledge. My life is empty and boring. I go to school. I come home. Wash, rinse, repeat. The very best part of my day, the moment I look forward to the most, happens after I get home. I watch TV. I watch a lot of TV. Lost. Grey's Anatomy. 90210. Heroes. One Tree Hill. Gossip Girl. Fringe. Smallville. American Idol. And those are just the shows that are airing now. I have previous relationships with The O.C., Buffy, Alias, Friends, Boy Meets World,Dawson's Creek, etc. The longest relationship I have ever had is not with another person. It's with primetime television. I'm addicted. Literally. I have a problem. Some of these shows aren't even good! I mean really!

Maybe I'm isolating myself from other people. Maybe I've lost faith in the human race or something. I'd just much rather spend hours in front of the TV, getting lost in bizzare plotlines and crazy love triangles. Because quite frankly, most episodes are much more exciting than my own life. Which is very unexciting as of late. But whatever. I don't really have anything to complain about. Except that I'm a douche bag who screwed things up with my best friend. But hey, whaddya gonna do?

I think that maybe I'm just waiting on something to happen. I bought a treadmill and I'm working out. I'm getting a breast reduction in March. Prom's in April. Graduation's in May. Senior Trip after that. Then I guess I have to go to college.

But more importantly: I love Simon Cowell. What's going to happen with Dan and that teacher? Is Lucas's movie going to turn out okay? Thank God Silver and Dixon are okay. I totally get why she can't just tell him she loves him. I hate Nathan Petrelli. When the hell are Peter and Olivia just going get together for crying out loud? I mean, I get that J.J. Abrams does that show, but really man. Give us a damn break already. How much longer are McDreamy and Meredith going to be happy? Probably not long. I do so hope that McSteamy stays with Little Grey though. And for crying out loud Meredith and Christina need to stop fighting! Who cares who got the solo surgery!? Why the hell is Lana still here? Where is Lois? Clark & Lois 4eva! Who does Kate love? Jack? Sawyer? Herself? I'm pulling for Sawyer. But hey, I also thought Harry and Hermione were meant for one another.



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