There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Sometimes, I'm just too freaking tired to do it anymore.

Sometimes, I really just really freaking hate you to the point where I wish we'd never met.

Sometimes, I think you're full of shit.

Sometimes, I want to sit you down and tell you exactly what I think about your miserable excuse of a life.

Sometimes, I'm attracted to you.

Sometimes, I think I did it just so I could be near you. And sometimes, I think that's pathetic.

Sometimes, I know I made the right choice.

Sometimes, I resent you.

Sometimes, I really wish that you didn't exist. Like, ever.

Sometimes, I am so jealous of you I can't stand it.

Sometimes, I feel so alone. I don't like to feel alone. I'm a person who needs people. People are better than no people, right?

I'm stubborn. I dislike authority figures. I'm a good friend. I like to read books, lots of books. I don't open up to people very well and for good reason. The older I get, the more I see that you can't give your whole self to a person. I'm outgoing. I like to party. I'm impulsive. I'm up for just about anything. I like adventure. The thought of living a boring life scares me. I believe you have to go out there and live to truly be alive. I like the ocean when it isn't murky and gross. I love the feel of cold grass on my feet. I love to listen to music- all kinds of music. I like driving in my car completely alone except for the radio. I want to be able to trust people again. The list of people I truly trust is dwindling. I believe in magic and life on other planets. I think that if we hope hard enough, anything can happen. Money can't buy you happiness and sorrows know how to swim. I'm indecisive. It takes me forever to make a decision. I hate it when people manipulate me. I hate it when people underestimate me. My political views vary depending on the issue. I believe that people are destroying the Earth but I'm not an environmentalist. It just seems too trendy. Whenever I feel bad I like to either a) dance it out, b) cry, or c) drink tequila.

This is who I am...mostly. I don't care if you don't like it and I don't care if it offends you. I also don't give a shit if you want to continue riding your high freaking horse. Whatever. And I don't really have a reason for this, I just felt like bitching and I know that unlike everyone else on the planet, my blog listens and doesn't have it's own freaking opinions to share. Thank the gods.

(Note: The song is by The Smiths who are awesome and stuff. And in the picture, I feel like that girl in the corner, metaphorically speaking of course because I don't know how to tango very well. Only slightly.)

You Belong With Me

You know on TV shows, books, and movies when there's these two people who are like, obviously going to end up together but they insist on making it incredibly difficult for each other? Well for me, that's the real life story of two of my very best friends that I've known forever. For anonymity's sake let's call them...Elizabeth and Mr.Darcy.

Now, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy's tale is epic. They've known each other since before preschool, they're families have known each other forever, and they're all around just meant to be. So, once upon a time, Mr. Darcy professes his love for Elizabeth but of course Elizabeth doesn't take him seriously. For whatever reason (pride, fear, stupidity?) Elizabeth turns him down. Now, Mr. Darcy picks up his pride and the pieces of his poor little heart and tries to move on. Elizabeth even suggests the village...escort to bring him out of his slump, after all they've always been best friends. Meanwhile, Elizabeth tries dating Mr. Wickham who is, in fact, a good-for-nothing son-of-a-bitch. Elizabeth doesn't find this out until later of course. After the dust settles and Mr. Wickham is long gone, Elizabeth realizes her true and devoted love for her best friend, Mr. Darcy. However, Mr. Darcy is now dating Elizabeth friend...Charlotte. Elizabeth resists telling Mr. Darcy her true feelings out of respect for Charlotte. However, Charlotte and Mr. Darcy don't last long because those kinds of relationships never do, obviously. Plus, it just so happens that Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy will be travelling out of the country together.

Now, at this tropical rendezvous Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy act on their (obviously mutual) feelings whilst slightly inebriated. Instead of talking about it afterwards or even, I don't know, actually saying HOW THEY FEEL, they merely ignore it and continue about their lives. I am proud that they made at least a definite step forward. Because, to any sane person (outside the situation, of course) it's obvious that they love each other and will eventually get married. It's only a matter of time. Anyone who's read Pride and Prejudice knows that Elizabeth eventually admits her feelings to Mr. Darcy's bitchy aunt and whenever he finds out he rushes to her and says:

“You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.”

To which readers are given Elizabeth's internal struggle: "Elizabeth feeling all the more than common awkwardness and anxiety of his situation, now forced herself to speak; and immediately, though not very fluently, gave him to understand, that her sentiments had undergone so material a change, since the period to which he alluded, as to make her receive with gratitude and pleasure, his present assurances."

Which all basically means they finally, finally, finally, told the effing truth. I mean seriously, Elizabeth just swallow that pride and give him the old one-two. Tell him like it is. Men can't do anything for themselves they need a little prodding. Especially this particular Mr. Darcy. You're gonna have to get right up in his face and say:

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But (insert name here), I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

Elizabeth's everywhere eventually have to say it. We all eventually have to give up that power, that pride and put it all out there in the open. It's scary and it can hurt like hell, but in the end saying it beats the hell out of never trying.

(Note: I'd like to dedicate this blog to "Elizabeth" I love you and I'm proud of you. Title comes from "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift)

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

It's probably a cliche by now to post a blog about Michael Jackson, but I'm gonna do it anyway. MJ was the King of Pop. No one can dispute that. However, its been said many a'time that Michael wasn't exactly a morally just man. Maybe he was a child molester. Maybe he used his happy abode Neverland as a front. Maybe he did a bunch of drugs. Hell, maybe he killed a bunch of people.

The fact is, none of that matters once you're dead. It doesn't matter what you did to Great Aunt Sue at the 25th annual family reunion. It doesn't matter that you're gay and your parents disowned you. It doesn't matter that you have the sadistic pleasure of stealing little girl's underpants. When you're dead and gone, your List Of All The Horrible Things I've Done disappears.

Aunt Sue will remember all of the times you brought her an extra piece of pecan pie. Your parents will wish they hadn't disowned you and realize their mistake. Someone will wonder why you have so many teeny tiny pairs of undies. When it's all over, all that's left is you. Who you are. Not your accomplishments or failures. Just you.

Right now, all over the world, television stations are airing Michael Jackson specials. Every web browser has a feature and Youtube and MTV are playing his greatest hits nonstop. No one cares about his indiscretions. Everyone is remembering the first time Andrew did the Thriller dance at graduation. The time you tried to copy the Beat It dance but never could get it right. The time you attempted to do the moon walk. Because, who hasn't tried that?

Death is the great equalizer and no one can escape it. But people, the fact that for once, just once, the world isn't talking about all the bad things Michael did. The tabloids are running pictures of him hanging his baby out the window. The world is looking back on Michael and what his music meant to them. And that's who Michael Jackson is. He is his music. And his music will live on, cheesy as that sounds. And doesn't everyone want something whole, something solid to leave behind when they go?

In the words of Michael Jackson: “If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.”

Indeed, it can.

(Note: "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" is a song by the late Michael Jackson, may he rest in peace.)

Womanizer

The other day, I asked my sister why exactly it is cool to be a super-geek about Harry Potter and why it isn't cool to be a super-geek about Twilight. We entered into a long and tiring converstation in which we finally came to the conclusion that it is because of the 9-15 year olds and the soccer moms. You see, it isn't considered cool to like the same things as babies are soccer moms who drive mini vans and go to PTO meetings. Even if you DID like Twilight 100 years before everyone else in the free world liked it. Which sucks btw. It's just like JJ Abrams, Bradley Cooper, and old teen movies. I like them for years before JJ Abrams decided to become a mainstream phenom and Bradley Cooper made The Hangover and old teen movies started being remade because people have such horrible taste in movies that they won't watch anything actually worthwhile so Hollywood has to keep shitting out movies about comic book heroes and redoing old teen movies, but I digress.

Anywho, I decided to do some research and figure out why exactly it is that housewives, kids who are too young to be reading about vampire pregnancies, teenagers who can't digest the classics and pretty much everyone else in the world all of a sudden likes vampires. I mean where were all of these people when Buffy was on TV? If all these people loved vampires then, we could've squeezed out a few more seasons!

WHY WOMEN LOVE VAMPIRES (or Why I Can't Go Anywhere Without Hearing The Name Edward Cullen)

#1 Vampires Are Loners:

Vampires like to be alone. They don't have a bunch of dude friends constantly taking up their time and making obnoxious jokes. We love vampires because vampire men never ever have anything to do. They'd rather be with you than do almost anything else. Vampires have all the time in the world.

#2 You Don't Have To Entertain Them During The Day

You know how you get overwhelmed when your boyfriend is at your house all day and then wants to do something at night? None of that with vampires. You can do whatever you want all day without having to worry about texting or hanging with your man. And then, you get to spend all night with them.

#3 Vampires Dress Well

How is it that vampires always look good? You'll never find a vampire looking like absolute shit unless they've just been in a fight. Which is kind of sexy. And even then they're still wearing designer clothes.

#4 Vampires Aren't Just About The Sex

Vampires would much rather make out or be involved in some heavy petting. Not to say they don't like sex, but they take their time getting there. Look at Angel. No sex until he couldn't take it anymore and wham bam no soul for him. And Edward. No sex until he couldn't put it off any longer and he got Bella preggers with a vampire child. Vampires embrace all the wonders of just kissing and aren't just after your ass.

#5 Vampires Are Moody

We all like to complain about drama, but in reality all women love drama. It's no fun if there isn't any drama in the relationship. And vampires are all full of mixed emotions and whinyness.

#6 Vampires Are Persuasive

Vampires love convincing their women to try new things. Like Bill. Bill convinces Sookie that it's perfectly okay for him to bite her from time to time. Vampires are suave, cool, soft-spoken and this only intensifies their charm. And us girls, we eat that shit up.

#7 Vampires Search Forever To Find "The Girl"

Vampires live forever and so they spend their whole lives searching for something to make it all better. This usually includes a human girl who is, in fact, the girl this vampire has "been looking for all of his meaningless existence. It's all very romantic. Which brings me to...

#8 Vampires Are Romantic

It's true. Vampires can romance the crap out of just about anyone. They're always dark and mysterious and moody and guilt-ridden and this somehow leads them to be extremely romantic. Plus they never talk too much and always make sure that everything goes perfectly. No awkwardness, no shyness. It comes with years of practice.

#9 Vampires Are Strong

Women love men who are strong and powerful. They are physically strong and usually in pretty good shape. (Brad Pitt in Interview with a Vampire) They are also mentally strong and usually incredibly intelligent. (Edward Cullen) This amazing combo of being nearly invincible and muscular plus being able to recite the square root of pi is very impressive to a lady.

And Finally....

#10 Vampires Are The Ultimate Bad Boys

We all love bad boys even if we are afraid to admit it. Plus a vampire is searching for his true love, needs a woman's love, lives by his own rules, wears nice clothes, and is hated by millions of people. This makes him the ultimate bad ass. You couldn't possible pick someone that is worse for you and that adds to a vampire's attractiveness.

Why? Idk. I'm just another mindless fan who happens to be a woman and absolutely dies everytime she sees Brad Pitt as a vampire.

(Note: "Womanizer" is a song by Britney Spears and all research came from AskMen.com and Wikipedia)

Time is Running Out

Do you ever get that feeling like something bad is going to happen? Like somebody somewhere is pissed at you and they're just waiting for the right time to blow up in your face? I feel like that. It's probably irrational and probably a little paranoid but I do feel like that.

Currently I'm in Texas not doing a damn thing. It's been a pretty relaxing trip. People have been cooking me food and mixing me drinks all week. I've been tanning and swimming and shopping nonstop, which seems like a pretty accurate description of my whole summer. I have yet to do anything worthwhile except going to SOAR. Those thank-you notes remain empty. Whatever.

Somehow, I always end up in screwed up situations. Like somehow or another I'm THAT person. I don't know. Maybe some part of me is responsible for this. Who knows? I think that I could possibly be a terrible hypocrite and possibly a psychopath. My family thinks I'm a selfish bitch. I made a quiz on the Face about myself and no one can pass. I need to pay for a lot of shit and I don't have enough money. I wish that I was younger and everyone would smile at how cute I was and buy me everything I needed and even when someone was really angry with you they wouldn't be angry for long because you're a kid.

When you're a kid, you aren't responsible for anything. When you're a kid you can do whatever you want. I always used to want to grow up as fast as possible. I longed to be in middle school, couldn't wait to be 16 to get a car and was absolutely thrilled to be a legal adult. Now I just feel like that sand in hourglasses. You can't stop it and no matter how hard you try, you fall everytime.

Life really is like an hourglass glued to the table.

(Note: "Time is Running Out" is a song by Muse)