Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 & Pt. 2

Here’s what you missed on The Twilight Saga… Ordinary girl, Bella moves to rainy Forks, Washington. There she makes friends. By friends I mean people she sometimes pretends to listen to while going to school sometimes. Then, she sees THE CULLENS. They are all attractive. Especially Edward who stares at her weirdly and acts like a total dick. Also, he stalks her and saves her life. Which means he’s every girl’s perfect guy that will never ever exist: He’s hot, he’s sensitive, he knows pop culture! He doesn’t have assy friends and all he wants to do is hang out with Bella and kick people’s asses! So, they fall in love.

Until he becomes whiny and self-“sacrificing” and runs away to like, Africa or some shit. Bella is depressed. Bella befriends Jacob and does dangerous things. Jacob falls in love with her, of course. She kind of likes him too cause he’s cute and boyishly charming. And he’s a super badass werewolf of course. Bella doesn’t know what to do. So, she jumps off a cliff. Then Edward tries to kill himself cause he doesn’t want to live without her. Swoon! Bella saves him. The Volturi are pissed and Michael Sheen is there! Tony Blair, when did you become a vampire? Tony says they have to turn Bella or else, they roll out, Jacob and Edward hate each other and almost fight. Then Edward asks Bella to marry him.

Bella and Edward are back together because Bella totally forgot that he ditched her a few months ago. Jacob is super pissed cause Edward came back and got the girl. Jacob starts being inappropriate and tries to get with Bella. Edward is pissed. Then, the ginger starts making an army of vampires and everyone is apparently terrified of like, 14 new vampires. I mean, really. So then Jacob kisses Bella a couple times but she really loves Edward and they decide to get married and where is Anna Kendrick? Oh, and they kill those vampires and Dakota Fanning shows up and is terrifying.

NOW… BREAKING DAWN PART UNO:

Bella and Edward get married. Jacob is pissed. Bella and Edward have sex and DON’T USE PROTECTION. Wow. Jacob is pissed. Bella has a baby. Jacob is pissed. Then Bella dies and Edward bites her to make her a vampire.

BREAKING DAWN PART DOS:

Bella and Edward break up because Bella is a badass super vamp that goes around forks killing people who suck (Mike Newton, etc.) and turning awesome people into vampires (Anna Kendrick!). Then, her and Anna Kendrick, and the wolves team up with DFanning and kill all the Cullens who suck(Emmett, Esme). Bella’s super baby named Sydney Bristow ages until she’s like 19 (and is played by a young Jennifer Garner) and her and Jacob are in mad love. Edward is whiny and sad that Bella is not a stupid sparkly vampire and is actually interesting. Then: Michael Sheen shows up and is like: “Edward we’ve gotta stop this crazy bitch before she has more power than me!” Edward is like: “The woman I love is gone, okay Tony Blair.” So then the rest of the Volturi and Edward show up to this big field and they’re on one side and Bella, Akendrick, Dfanning, the wolves, and other various cool people who are now vampires (Meryl Streep, James Franco, Natalie Portman, and Hugh Jackman) are on the other side of the field. Michael Sheen gives an inspirational speech to his men: “Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take... OUR FREEDOM!” in a Scottish accent. His team is super pumped, needless to say. Then, Bella, on a horse because they ride horses, gives this speech to her team: “Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!” and then her team is super pumped, too. The tension is palpable by this point and right before Keira Knightley, who’s in the middle of the field, yells: CHARGE!, the cast of Glee shows up with Lady Gaga and Elton John on two pianos and sings: “We Will Rock You”. When they finish, Keira yells charge and the battle commences. There is great bloodshed. Edward and Bella face off and right when they’re about to kill each other, they realize how much they love each other and have an epic, bloody kiss in the middle of the battlefield. Then, Michael Sheen shows up and tries to kill Bella and Edward but Dakota Fanning steps in front of the sword and saves their lives. As she lies dying in Bella’s arms she says: “Remember who you are” and all of a sudden Bella is no longer evil and neither is all of her team! The whole time they’ve been under a spell of an evil sorceress played by… CATE BLANCHETT! Everyone stops fighting and looks up into the sky as the glowing Cate Blanchett descends from the sky to smite everyone down with her godly might! She opens a portal to hell and the whole world starts becoming inhabited by horrors the likes of which they’ve never seen! Anna Kendrick, seeing that someone of great potential must sacrifice themselves to close the portal, looks around at her fellow cast members and sees that she’s obviously the best actor of anyone in The Twilight Saga and realizes it must be her to die. Before she does though, she turns to Michelle Trachtenberg (who’s her little sister we just didn’t know it and also a vampire) and says: “Dawn, listen to me, listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles… tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I’m okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. Be brave. Live… for me.” Then Anna Kendrick jumps into the swirling orb of light and everything goes back to normal. Everyone who was injured is okay now and all the terrible things disappear. Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones show up and make everyone forget about the horrors they’ve seen. No one is a vampire anymore and every lives happily ever after.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! After the credits we see Anna Kendrick’s grave. Bella, Edward, Jacob, Sydney, and everyone who survived the battle are talking after walking away from the grave. They all say what a wonderful person she was and how they wished they would have given her more screen time. As they walk away, we see Kate Winslet dressed in rags with big messy hair. She’s standing near the grave saying something that we can’t hear. She turns and winks at the screen and disappears. We zoom in to Anna’s grave and just before the screen cuts to black (as “Don’t Stop Believing” is playing in the background) we see a hand emerge from the grave.

THE END.