Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 & Pt. 2

Here’s what you missed on The Twilight Saga… Ordinary girl, Bella moves to rainy Forks, Washington. There she makes friends. By friends I mean people she sometimes pretends to listen to while going to school sometimes. Then, she sees THE CULLENS. They are all attractive. Especially Edward who stares at her weirdly and acts like a total dick. Also, he stalks her and saves her life. Which means he’s every girl’s perfect guy that will never ever exist: He’s hot, he’s sensitive, he knows pop culture! He doesn’t have assy friends and all he wants to do is hang out with Bella and kick people’s asses! So, they fall in love.

Until he becomes whiny and self-“sacrificing” and runs away to like, Africa or some shit. Bella is depressed. Bella befriends Jacob and does dangerous things. Jacob falls in love with her, of course. She kind of likes him too cause he’s cute and boyishly charming. And he’s a super badass werewolf of course. Bella doesn’t know what to do. So, she jumps off a cliff. Then Edward tries to kill himself cause he doesn’t want to live without her. Swoon! Bella saves him. The Volturi are pissed and Michael Sheen is there! Tony Blair, when did you become a vampire? Tony says they have to turn Bella or else, they roll out, Jacob and Edward hate each other and almost fight. Then Edward asks Bella to marry him.

Bella and Edward are back together because Bella totally forgot that he ditched her a few months ago. Jacob is super pissed cause Edward came back and got the girl. Jacob starts being inappropriate and tries to get with Bella. Edward is pissed. Then, the ginger starts making an army of vampires and everyone is apparently terrified of like, 14 new vampires. I mean, really. So then Jacob kisses Bella a couple times but she really loves Edward and they decide to get married and where is Anna Kendrick? Oh, and they kill those vampires and Dakota Fanning shows up and is terrifying.

NOW… BREAKING DAWN PART UNO:

Bella and Edward get married. Jacob is pissed. Bella and Edward have sex and DON’T USE PROTECTION. Wow. Jacob is pissed. Bella has a baby. Jacob is pissed. Then Bella dies and Edward bites her to make her a vampire.

BREAKING DAWN PART DOS:

Bella and Edward break up because Bella is a badass super vamp that goes around forks killing people who suck (Mike Newton, etc.) and turning awesome people into vampires (Anna Kendrick!). Then, her and Anna Kendrick, and the wolves team up with DFanning and kill all the Cullens who suck(Emmett, Esme). Bella’s super baby named Sydney Bristow ages until she’s like 19 (and is played by a young Jennifer Garner) and her and Jacob are in mad love. Edward is whiny and sad that Bella is not a stupid sparkly vampire and is actually interesting. Then: Michael Sheen shows up and is like: “Edward we’ve gotta stop this crazy bitch before she has more power than me!” Edward is like: “The woman I love is gone, okay Tony Blair.” So then the rest of the Volturi and Edward show up to this big field and they’re on one side and Bella, Akendrick, Dfanning, the wolves, and other various cool people who are now vampires (Meryl Streep, James Franco, Natalie Portman, and Hugh Jackman) are on the other side of the field. Michael Sheen gives an inspirational speech to his men: “Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take... OUR FREEDOM!” in a Scottish accent. His team is super pumped, needless to say. Then, Bella, on a horse because they ride horses, gives this speech to her team: “Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!” and then her team is super pumped, too. The tension is palpable by this point and right before Keira Knightley, who’s in the middle of the field, yells: CHARGE!, the cast of Glee shows up with Lady Gaga and Elton John on two pianos and sings: “We Will Rock You”. When they finish, Keira yells charge and the battle commences. There is great bloodshed. Edward and Bella face off and right when they’re about to kill each other, they realize how much they love each other and have an epic, bloody kiss in the middle of the battlefield. Then, Michael Sheen shows up and tries to kill Bella and Edward but Dakota Fanning steps in front of the sword and saves their lives. As she lies dying in Bella’s arms she says: “Remember who you are” and all of a sudden Bella is no longer evil and neither is all of her team! The whole time they’ve been under a spell of an evil sorceress played by… CATE BLANCHETT! Everyone stops fighting and looks up into the sky as the glowing Cate Blanchett descends from the sky to smite everyone down with her godly might! She opens a portal to hell and the whole world starts becoming inhabited by horrors the likes of which they’ve never seen! Anna Kendrick, seeing that someone of great potential must sacrifice themselves to close the portal, looks around at her fellow cast members and sees that she’s obviously the best actor of anyone in The Twilight Saga and realizes it must be her to die. Before she does though, she turns to Michelle Trachtenberg (who’s her little sister we just didn’t know it and also a vampire) and says: “Dawn, listen to me, listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles… tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I’m okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. Be brave. Live… for me.” Then Anna Kendrick jumps into the swirling orb of light and everything goes back to normal. Everyone who was injured is okay now and all the terrible things disappear. Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones show up and make everyone forget about the horrors they’ve seen. No one is a vampire anymore and every lives happily ever after.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! After the credits we see Anna Kendrick’s grave. Bella, Edward, Jacob, Sydney, and everyone who survived the battle are talking after walking away from the grave. They all say what a wonderful person she was and how they wished they would have given her more screen time. As they walk away, we see Kate Winslet dressed in rags with big messy hair. She’s standing near the grave saying something that we can’t hear. She turns and winks at the screen and disappears. We zoom in to Anna’s grave and just before the screen cuts to black (as “Don’t Stop Believing” is playing in the background) we see a hand emerge from the grave.

THE END.

"This burrito is good but it is filling."

Hey, I just realized this is my 50th post. Wow. First, I'd like to thank my loyal followers on Blogspot. Without fans, I'd be truly dead. I'd like to thank my parents, Jayne and Scott, for always being there for me even when I was a pain in the ass. My wonderful siblings, Rachael and Ryan, for being super cute and awesome to me, for the most part. Nanny, the Nanster, I love you. Every single one of my amazing friends, thank you for supporting me. Also, shout out to the TV, Movie, and Book Gods without whom I would have little to no material of which to praise/bitch about. Oh, and I'd like to thank God, Allah, Buddha, Rama, Confucious, and of course Yahweh. Mostly, I'm not sure what I'm doing and without everyone I just mentioned, I wouldn't be here today. Thank you.

Now, on to business. How much does everyone love the new blogger designs? I feel like just last week I was getting frustrated with everything and now we've got amazing new designs. Love it.

This month is going to be the most busy month of my life, people. As we are speaking I have an article summary and an annotated bibliography due in...eight hours. I've got a lovely Econ test in about...two hours, and the FIFA World Cup starts tonight. Plus, this Sunday apparently there was a huge scheduling conflict because somebody decided to put the Tony Awards and True Blood on the same night. For shame. Then Monday I have my giant research paper (on the different ways Charles Dickens portrays women in his novels compared to the main woman in The Mystery of Edwin Drood, Rosa Bud) due at 4:00. Tuesday my last two Economics problem sets are due and then Thursday I have my two finals. Which means I'll be getting home around 10:00pm. But hey, then I'LL BE DONE WITH SUMMER SCHOOL.

I'm going to get a brief day of rest on the 18th so I better get to see all of you people. I told Callie and Courtney to round you all up and I better not hear any excuses because this is a week in advance notice, guys. You know you love me.

June 19 @ 5:00pm Rachael, Ryan, Nanny, Courtney, and I are leaving to go to TEXAS. I love Texas. Everything is bigger there and I do mean everything. We'll relax by the pool, eat Mexican food, drive to the Alamo, shop, drive to the Houston Space Center, have some margaritas, maybe do a little horseback riding, etc. I am excited. I love road trips, and TX, and my lovely aunt and uncle that live there. What an adventure.

We'll back the 24-25 I can't remember and then almost immediately, on June 28, I'll be going to the Big Apple. That's right folks, New York City. Obviously she has missed me in the three years I've been gone. This time, I'm doing it right. I'm talking Broadway, the Met, Lady Liberty, pizza, hotdogs, cheesecake, etc. I'm going to fit as much as possible into the week I'll be there. Here lies the question: Promises, Promises or Fences? Red or La Cage aux Folles? Avenue Q, South Pacific, West Side Story? How does a girl decide?

I love travelling. Love it. I'll be sure to send some postcards to some of you dolls. I've got my address book handy and a brand spankin' new book of stamps.

xoxo

PS- 10 friend points to the first person who knows where the headline quote is from. Ready, go!

"Yes, you should move to Israel."

I'm beginning to think that Glee is taking over my life. Last night's episode "Funk" was not the best episode in the world, but it had some good moments. Although as a rule, I think Mr. Schuester should never try to seduce anyone again. It is very uncomfortable for me.

To the point, Glee is seeping into my dreams. I didn't even go to bed directly after Glee last night, because I had to stay up for Chelsea Lately of course, and I still had very Glee-like dreams/nightmares.

First, I was super pregnant and still in high school. This could also have to do with the fact that I watched Juno this weekend. Regardless, I was really hella preggers. It was awful. I literally dreamed that I gave birth. Eww. The baby was super cute, though. I wanted to name her Olive but Callie wouldn't let me because she said that was not good and I should name it something generic so it wouldn't mess up her monograms. Then we went to Olive Garden.

Next, I dreamed that Anna-Marie and I were in a very large chicken coop and we were pissed at each other. Apparently, AMH thought I did something to her paint which made all of her paintings disintegrate. So, we were battling it out in a chicken coop by throwing eggs at each other. Lots of eggs. And I'm scared of chickens so AMH is pretty much beating my ass cause I'm trying to avoid the chickens. And then I turn around and Big Bird is there and he cracks the biggest of the eggs directly on my forehead. I kid you not.

Then, as if that weren't enough, I dreamed that Jamie was dating Mr. Schuester and Courtney didn't like him because of the way he dances. And then Mr. Schue tried to seduce Courtney and Jamie found out and then they were in the chicken coop too. Except I wasn't there anymore, apparently this chicken coop has stands to sit in, so I was there with a big towel because I'm covered in egg. Anna-Marie is there and she's got a giant trophy for beating me in the coop, Callie is holding Olive but shaking her head in disapproval at the baby's monogram less bib, and Mr. Schuester is in a Cheerios uniform cheering for Jamie and Courtney.

Luckily, my alarm went off playing Total Eclipse of the Heart and I got out of this terrible nightmare before the chickens attacked.