A Change is Gonna Come

Last week, my last full week of high school, it finally hit me how much we have all changed. Situations have changed, people have changed, opinions have even changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. Change is an inevitable part of life. At one time in my life, I believed that I should resist change at all costs. You know, dig your heels into the ground and hang on for dear life. Eventually I learned to accept change and to deal with it because it sure as hell comes whether you're totally approving or not. I don't think it is possible for anyone to completely embrace change. It seems kind of...suspicious.

Anyways, this week taught me a lesson I won't soon forget. On Monday, me and Andrea decided to be friends again. This proved that even though we're both stubborn asses, we can get over it. Just another instance that proves friends can be the biggest bitches in the world to each other and still love each other the next hour but that's a story for a different day. On Tuesday, me and Callie went to eat with Katie and Jennie. It's really difficult to grasp the fact that we went to school together two freaking years ago. Seems like ages. I remembered everything we did together and all the inside jokes and all the funny things that happened. It was almost like going back in time except for I'm graduating in six days and Katie's turning 21 this year.

Thursday night, a group of us senior girls spent the night at my dad's house because he was out of town. We all talked and bonded and watched Grey's Anatomy and cried. It was really very sweet. Then we went to bed only to wak up and find that our cars had been trashed in the morning. I thought it was all very funny. To me, it meant that someone loved me enough to put Vaseline under my handles. It made me remember all the times I had rolled, trashed, painted, egged, etc. anyone's stuff. I almost cried. On Friday, CLASS members had to go babysit all of the elementary school kids at Field Day. I remembered when I had field day and how much I admired the high school kids that helped out. I always wanted to be one of those kids and now I was. It was weird for me. Then we all swam at Anna-Marie's and bonded and I managed to get Matt's paper to the school just in time.

As I was leaving that school, for the last time as a real student, it all kind of seemed surreal to me. Like something out of a movie. I had a group hug with Cha Bowen and Matt in the hallway and literally broke down. One day this week, I heard Mrs. Bagwell asking her sophomores what the hallway adverb was and I couldn't help but say "silently" with a smile. This week, I had dinner with old friends who seemed more like friends I'd never stop being friends with. Maybe I never did. I made up with Andrea and now I don't feel like such an asshole. I went out to eat for a new friend's birthday and had the best time. Whether it be new friends, old friends, friends I had been fighting for, or people that I barely spend time with, this week I loved every single one of them. It finally hit me that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter where you go to college or what you do with your life or anything. It doesn't matter if you don't keep in touch but once every blue moon. A friend is a friend.

Change happens. Sometimes its a slap in the face. Sometimes it sneaks up on you. Sometimes you see it coming. Last night, sitting beside Anna-Marie's pool like I've done for years now, it slowly seeped into my brain. You can be horrible to someone. You can open up completely to someone even when you have trust issues. You can have your heart ripped from your chest. You can spend an hour talking in the rain and not notice. You can ignore your friend for months. You can make new friends if you let yourself. You can learn a lesson from a five year old. You can spend your whole life trying to control yourself. You can let loose completely. You can do all these things, with different people, at different times, and years from now, you can go back there even if everything is different at the present.

Change touches everything, it seems. However, you can't alter friendship and you can't alter emotions. They are always there. All you have to do is find them.

(Note: From now on, I've decided that all of the titles to my blog posts will also be the titles of songs that I like and that are appropriate to the subject matter. Title comes from a song by Sam Cooke.)

"Stubborn and ardent clinging to one's opinion is the best proof of stupidity."

So. We made up. Not surprisingly it wasn't me who gave in first. I'm the stubborn one after all. It only makes sense that I should hang on to some stupid...something for such a long ass time.

I also realized that it was my fault. It was all my fault. It's not that I didn't care enough, it's that I just gave up. I quit, ya know? Right in the middle of the 7th inning stretch I straight up threw down my bat and walked off the field. Who does that to their person? This shall serve as further proof that I actually am a really crappy human being who deserves to be isolated from the rest of the world.

However, I refuse to be too hard on myself. Even Meredith and Cristina had their fight that one time where they didn't talk for like, 11 episodes or something ridiculous like that. And seriously, remember that time that Peyton and Brooke hated each other? And that was over a DUDE. That's much more stupid than thinking your friend was mad when she actually wasn't mad at all which made her mad that you ignored her because you thought she was mad which made you more mad....okay, maybe this was more stupid. But they fought over Lucas! He's not even sexy anymore! And, oh, I don't even care anymore. What's the use arguing with yourself on your blog?

The truth is, I'm really happy about this. I just wish I was the one who caved. It makes me feel like a really shitty jerk that I was soooooo stubborn for sooooo long. I'm the bad guy now. How do I fix that?

Deterioration of the Fight or Flight Response

How did I get here? What did I do to end up here, in this place where I've lost so much? They say you reap what you sow. If that's so, that means that I probably deserve this. Maybe I'm a bad person after all. Not bad like I kill people, but dark and twisty. Like messed up in the head or something. Seriously.

It hit me today that you can love a person and walk away from them completely. I also realized that I have done this time and time again in my life. I never let anyone get too close to me. I close up, I cut people off. When I was 11 years old, I moved away from the town I grew up in. All my friends threw me a going away party at the golf course pool that we'd all hung out at for our whole lives. They made me a pillow case with my name on it and everyone signed it. I cried like the baby I was in front of everyone. I tried to mask it as water from the pool, but everyone knew I was crying. I left the best friends I had ever had in the world. We grew up together since we were literally in diapers.

I started a new school fairly close by. I didn't want to make really good friends with anyone because I felt like I would be betraying my old friends. So, I became friends with people but never let them in. No one wants to sit alone at the lunch table. I stayed close to my old friends and tried to have it both ways. I had a wreck when I was 12 because I desperately wanted attention. I was such a stupid kid. After that, I pretty much kept to myself because I felt guilty. This is when I realized that my parents hated each other.

When I was 14, we moved again. I convinced myself that I would rather be alone than have friends so I continued my routine. I kept this up until I realized that keeping to one's self means staying at home and staying at home meant being around my parents. It was at this point that I realized that people are better than no people. So, I made friends. Pretty damn good ones too. But things happen you know? And sure enough, I've found that at times, I isolate myself from them. I go to my own world and pretend I don't need anyone but my sister. She's my sister. She can't leave me. She's like, obligated or something.

Unconciously, subconsiously, or intentionally, I always seem to alienate myself when I need to. When I finally, finally let someone in-let them see me for who I really am; no lies, no acting-I almost immediately close up. I close up and pretend that I don't care. And if you tell yourself something often enough, you eventually believe it. Just like Willy Loman. You eventually fall victim to the lies you tell yourself. Right now, at this exact moment, I believe that I will be just fine on my own. I don't need anyone. I'm strong and independent.

I also realize, deep in the hidden parts of my brain (heart?) that people need people. And that I desperately need someone. And that is why I called you out of nowhere. Because I needed someone.

Of course, I would never admit this out loud. Because somehow, if you say it out loud, that makes it real. And that would make me a coward. Which, of course, I am not. Seriously.