that's me in the corner

I need to change something. I feel like I say that all the time. I also feel like I go through periods of time where I experience this intense need to change something about my life. Sometimes it expresses itself as a change of hair color or maybe a brief wardrobe change. Sometimes I change the kind of music I listen to or the kind of movies I'm in to or my favorite TV show. Sometimes I decide that I will start eating different foods or drinking different drinks. Sometimes I decide to delete certain things: people, places, thoughts, feelings. I'm good at deleting.

I'm not sure if it is a totally normal thing, this need for change. I don't see other people making changes that often. Maybe every now and again. Most of the time people just SAY they want to be more interesting or they want to get in shape or they want to stop acting like a dumbass. Hardly anyone actually ever does what they say they're going to do. It's disappointing. If everyone did half the things they really wanted to do people would be more interesting. They'd also probably be happier.

I recently got awarded this grant for $16,000. That is a lot of money. To me. Seriously like two months ago I was in a total state of dispair at how much money I didn't have and now the thought that I have all this money scares me. I can afford to do the things I really want to do. I can go to NYC this New Years and totally afford it. I can study abroad wherever I want. Hell, I can fly to fucking Amsterdam.

When I graduate stupid college, I'm going to sell my car and all the shit I have that I don't need (except my books, DVDs, and interesting things, and laptop, and iphone) and I'm going to move somewhere terrifying. And buy a motorcycle. Because why in the world wouldn't I? I'm not getting married any time soon. Contrary to popular belief, one does not have to be married with a mortgage and baby by 25. I don't even understand how people have fully decided who they are by the time they're 25 much less decided that they'll be that same person forever and ever amen.

It's not healthy.

In other news: I love Colton. Thank you for today. I had a great time in ATL. It made me wish that you and I had a trendy flat in the city with super cool things and super cool clothes. Everyone should go watch The Cove right now. It's horrifyingly amazing. I'm never eating seafood again, I swear. Yes, I'm serious Callie. Good thing we had that delicious meal at the Red Lobster recently because that's the last marine life I'll be tasting ever. Speaking of, just being around you and Courtney and Jamie and Anna-Marie was the best time we've had together in a long time. I like it best when we're just existing in the same place. Sometimes you can't plan the best days. They just happen. The Whigs was one of those happy happy concerts that you leave feeling a million times better about life. Music can do that to you. It's like everyone there is united in one thing and everything just sort of gets simple. It doesn't matter that the drunk sixteen year olds that snuck in are getting it on in front of you. You're just at peace with it all. I also love Mason and the other Colton. They are fun and much cooler than most people.

SOUNDTRACK OF THE MOMENT:
"Everybody Hurts"-R.E.M.
"Wild is the Wind"-Nina Simone
"Congratulations"-MGMT
"Fuck You"-Cee Lo Green
"Come Home"-One Republic & Sara Bareilles
"Raise Your Glass"-Pink
"Until the Stars Fall from the Sky"-Mark Hoppus & Richard Gibbs
"I Can Feel a Hot One"-Manchester Orchestra
"2012"-Jay Sean & Nicki Minaj
"Ashes & Wine"-A Fine Frenzy
"This Ship Was Built to Last"-The Duke Spirit
"The Ice is Getting Thinner"-Death Cab for Cutie
"The Difference Between Us"-The Dead Weather
"40 Dogs"-Bob Schneider
"Beat the Devil's Tattoo"-Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
"Lies"-The Black Keys
"Come Back When You Can"-Barcelona
"Sometime Around Midnight"-The Airborne Toxic Event